Monday, November 28, 2011
God Loves Me, This I Know
The Bible doesn't need to tell me this for it to be so. God loves me, this I know, but I can't even begin to imagine how great His love is. God loves you more than you even know love. It's like how a father loves his baby. His baby may cry for his father and giggle at the sight of his face, at the comfort of his warm embrace, but the baby has no idea how great the love the father has. I know God loves me. Even though I became ugly with my sinful thoughts and actions, He still loves me.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
First Disappointment
My heart was hurting so much after tonight, and I guess I took some silly photos on facebook, made some small online messaging, and an international student seems to be warming up to the fellowship! all those things didn't make my heart hurt less, but it helped me forget about the aching. And I reconciled with a brother and I gave encouragement to another sister who I have great respect and admiration for. All those things gave me comfort and I managed to close me eyes and sleep.
But the fire alarm went off at 5am and after it was over and everyone was back in their beds, I closed my eyes but my heart just hurted as much as before if not more. I can't sleep because of that sadness. It's not a heart attack or something physically dangerous I think.
But my heart hurts for very valid reasons. Yesterday it hurted because I was selfish, rude, and a waste of space. Today, it hurts because people in my fellowship didn't care. And now I am upset. Because I brought a guest, a new prospective member of InterVarsity to the InterVarsity potluck dinner. Their response was nothing. They did nothing, they had their own conversations and ignored us. They did nothing. I don't give a damn if my spiritual gift is evangelism or not, it is hard and scary for me to talk to people, to initiate conversations. I sacrifice a lot of my own comfort to make others feel comfortable. While I'm not the best at evangelism, I'm not even particularly good, but I know I try very very hard for my standards and previous experience and I force myself to do those things, because I know this body belongs to Jesus and I want it to be used for him. I don't care if my spiritual gift is evangelism and theirs is in worship or planning or preaching or sweeping the damn floor, if there is someone new, you make them feel comfortable. You don't shun them and ignore them and make them feel like an outsider. Maybe, just maybe, that would happen at a pagan event where everyone minded their own business and did their own thing, but we were at a church! We just had dinner! Our last teaching at large group was about bringing UNITY in the fellowship! My heart hurts. What is wrong with these people? Why are they so ignorant, so blind? Maybe they were mad at me because I brought a guest to the event, but she had the permission. Maybe they were mad at me because I added a chair to the table and they had to waste their energy scooting their chairs, maybe that's why they behaved that way. Maybe they were like that because ... because they were just damn ignorant. My heart hurts. Fix me, God, and give me more love for the family, give me more patience to endure this, give me the Holy Spirit and more strength to motivate change. I'm afraid I'm asking for too much. God, just give me the Holy Spirit, the rest will simply follow and fall in place.
But the fire alarm went off at 5am and after it was over and everyone was back in their beds, I closed my eyes but my heart just hurted as much as before if not more. I can't sleep because of that sadness. It's not a heart attack or something physically dangerous I think.
But my heart hurts for very valid reasons. Yesterday it hurted because I was selfish, rude, and a waste of space. Today, it hurts because people in my fellowship didn't care. And now I am upset. Because I brought a guest, a new prospective member of InterVarsity to the InterVarsity potluck dinner. Their response was nothing. They did nothing, they had their own conversations and ignored us. They did nothing. I don't give a damn if my spiritual gift is evangelism or not, it is hard and scary for me to talk to people, to initiate conversations. I sacrifice a lot of my own comfort to make others feel comfortable. While I'm not the best at evangelism, I'm not even particularly good, but I know I try very very hard for my standards and previous experience and I force myself to do those things, because I know this body belongs to Jesus and I want it to be used for him. I don't care if my spiritual gift is evangelism and theirs is in worship or planning or preaching or sweeping the damn floor, if there is someone new, you make them feel comfortable. You don't shun them and ignore them and make them feel like an outsider. Maybe, just maybe, that would happen at a pagan event where everyone minded their own business and did their own thing, but we were at a church! We just had dinner! Our last teaching at large group was about bringing UNITY in the fellowship! My heart hurts. What is wrong with these people? Why are they so ignorant, so blind? Maybe they were mad at me because I brought a guest to the event, but she had the permission. Maybe they were mad at me because I added a chair to the table and they had to waste their energy scooting their chairs, maybe that's why they behaved that way. Maybe they were like that because ... because they were just damn ignorant. My heart hurts. Fix me, God, and give me more love for the family, give me more patience to endure this, give me the Holy Spirit and more strength to motivate change. I'm afraid I'm asking for too much. God, just give me the Holy Spirit, the rest will simply follow and fall in place.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Asian Fantasy
"I'm so jealous of you", she said. "You know, every guy has an Asian fantasy. I don't know one guy that hasn't thought about gettin' it with an Asian before"
"I've asked some American guys and, yea, they said they like Asian people, but they are not ideal for girlfriend or marriage", he explained.
Does my personality mean nothing in this world? There is a lot of sacrifice for even an ABC to marry an American; it's waving goodbye to a huge chunk of possibility of getting closer to my native language, culture, people. It's a huge sacrifice and a huge difference in lifestyle! I never thought it was possible until I came to Carbondale, but I can be satisfied living in a small town. And I think I am willing to make the sacrifice of abandoning my culture for an American. But I never really considered the other perspective, the other possibility that they don't want anything to do with Asians. That there is still a high level of racism and tension against the Asians and white people.
I wish I knew why it's so much harder to bond with white people. I wish there wasn't even a difference. God, it hurts my heart to find that some guys won't even consider me just because I am Asian. In an evolution/adaptation standpoint, my weaknesses: my height, my lack of curvature. My possible strengths: intelligence is not too bad, personality-wise most people would say I am nice, sweet, or kind
Maybe it's because my eyes don't look like the ocean, or a burning fire, or like the grass or anything special. Maybe it's because my hair is boring, too straight, too common, depressing even. Maybe because my nose is too flat, my eyes are not round enough, my checks are not high enough, my chin is not sharp enough.
There have been many moments when I just want to go back to the M.A.C. store and show them the picture of my prom night and say, "can you work that magic again? I want to look beautiful." But right now, as I look the normal way I look, natural and without makeup, touch-up, etc, no one stops for a split second to stare at me, to look at me, to notice me, to glance at me. But if I did get the right make-up and if I did look like how I did at prom night every night and if that did make people stop to stare, to look, to notice, to glance, to trip-fall-and-die, to talk to me, to flirt with me, to hit of me, to ask me out, to take me to dinner, to buy me drinks, to hold the door open, to make detours, go out of their way just to see/talk/be around me.. then I would not be satisfied. Maybe I would be happy for a moment. But if there is a guy I like and he is unresponsive to me until I get that "make-over", and suddenly he has interest and does a lot of things to get my attention, then I would be extremely unsatisfied. Because I don't want people to like me because of my face, I wish my heart was good enough to make people want to stay around me. I wish my heart was good enough to catch a guy's attention, to have him stop and think "wow" I wish I were that impactful, that significant.
"I've asked some American guys and, yea, they said they like Asian people, but they are not ideal for girlfriend or marriage", he explained.
Does my personality mean nothing in this world? There is a lot of sacrifice for even an ABC to marry an American; it's waving goodbye to a huge chunk of possibility of getting closer to my native language, culture, people. It's a huge sacrifice and a huge difference in lifestyle! I never thought it was possible until I came to Carbondale, but I can be satisfied living in a small town. And I think I am willing to make the sacrifice of abandoning my culture for an American. But I never really considered the other perspective, the other possibility that they don't want anything to do with Asians. That there is still a high level of racism and tension against the Asians and white people.
I wish I knew why it's so much harder to bond with white people. I wish there wasn't even a difference. God, it hurts my heart to find that some guys won't even consider me just because I am Asian. In an evolution/adaptation standpoint, my weaknesses: my height, my lack of curvature. My possible strengths: intelligence is not too bad, personality-wise most people would say I am nice, sweet, or kind
Maybe it's because my eyes don't look like the ocean, or a burning fire, or like the grass or anything special. Maybe it's because my hair is boring, too straight, too common, depressing even. Maybe because my nose is too flat, my eyes are not round enough, my checks are not high enough, my chin is not sharp enough.
There have been many moments when I just want to go back to the M.A.C. store and show them the picture of my prom night and say, "can you work that magic again? I want to look beautiful." But right now, as I look the normal way I look, natural and without makeup, touch-up, etc, no one stops for a split second to stare at me, to look at me, to notice me, to glance at me. But if I did get the right make-up and if I did look like how I did at prom night every night and if that did make people stop to stare, to look, to notice, to glance, to trip-fall-and-die, to talk to me, to flirt with me, to hit of me, to ask me out, to take me to dinner, to buy me drinks, to hold the door open, to make detours, go out of their way just to see/talk/be around me.. then I would not be satisfied. Maybe I would be happy for a moment. But if there is a guy I like and he is unresponsive to me until I get that "make-over", and suddenly he has interest and does a lot of things to get my attention, then I would be extremely unsatisfied. Because I don't want people to like me because of my face, I wish my heart was good enough to make people want to stay around me. I wish my heart was good enough to catch a guy's attention, to have him stop and think "wow" I wish I were that impactful, that significant.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
God is better than Santa: A Rant
I've always heard about other people's spiritual gifts and I've wondered about what my spiritual gift was, but I never found a definite answer for myself. I always felt like there was something suspicious, or at least, worth mentioning about my slumber. When I sleep, I lose myself. It's like I'm not even there when I go to sleep. In the dorms, there are drunks coming in at 2am, 3am, 4am, 5am, even 7am every other night if not every, but I never hear them. My suite-mate was crying and yelling in the bathroom the other week, but I didn't have the slightest clue. At first, I felt like it really was another one of God's blessings, because I get peace when I sleep and nothing really wakes me up besides the fire alarm and my cellular alarm. Now I know it is out of my control, and I am not sure if it is a blessing anymore.
In my silliness, I wonder if it could be an evil spirit. Because apparently,when I still slept at home, I did a lot of crazy stuff in my sleep. Like, opening my eyes, sitting up, talking to people, screaming, yelling, swearing, talking to an unidentifiable entity, and mumbling random incoherent sounds. Is that the way God is speaking to me? Or is something really weird going on? I really want to know what happens when I sleep, but I have no idea. Whenever I wake up with a massive headache for no reason, I can usually conclude or assume with a good deal of confidence that I had some big movements in my sleep.
But besides that weird sleep thing, I didn't really think I had anything special, nothing like a spiritual gift. Yesterday, at bible discussion, my small group leader prayed for me and she prayed about my efforts in evangelism. And it was like my heart jumped, 'how did she know!' I had someone else pray about it at church last week, too. I found myself facing an ocean of people in desperate need of Jesus, but they don't even know. And this is the best thing that's ever happened to me, how dare I be so selfish and keep the good news all to myself? This is better than someone passing out money, better than someone giving job interviews, than some scholarship that every applicant is guaranteed to win-- this is salvation, eternal life, reconciliation with God! My bible discussion leader and another leader suspect that my spiritual gift is evangelism. "WOW!", I said. I swear if I had taken a picture of my face, my jaw was probably on the floor. "WOW!", I said again. I am so humbled, what an amazing gift. What a great honor and blessing if that is really what God gave me. She said they had noticed me when I was still new to the church and to the discussion group that I .. did somethings that made them believe that was my gift. Still, I don't want to get big-headed. If that actually is my spiritual gift, that would be utterly amazing, but a lot of pressure there. But I won't be doing this alone! I have God! And I will so sincerely pray for the Holy Spirit to give me the right words to say, because I know I won't have the right words.. God, use me! Use my body, my voice, my mind, my soul to its fullest capacity, to its fullest potential to serve.
I gave my testimony the other week to my bible study group (bible study and bible discussion are two different groups of people) and I said some really wise stuff I didn't even really consider about before that night. "The closest thing I had to God was Santa Claus, and why I say Santa was the closest thing I had to a God was because what I knew about Santa, he knows every thought you thinking, every word you've spoken, every action you've done and he judges you for them. And with Santa it always felt like he never visited me because he never forgave me for the bad things I did. But I knew Santa wasn't God. .....Something in me, I always felt like someone created me, like someone was watching over everything I did. So I knew of a God. But I didn't know about Jesus. And if you don't know Jesus, you don't know how much God loves you." I said that myself, but I was so shocked when I said it. Was that the Holy Spirit? Was than my brain over-exerting itself? I've never even thought about that before but the words came out of my mouth with so much conviction. I was crying and bawling and snot was every where, but it felt so good. I've thought about my testimony before, but no matter how much I rehearsed it in my head or recalled the process it took for me to meet Jesus, it was nothing like what I said that night. I never thought I could cry and laugh and grit my teeth all at the same time. That testimony night, I invited a girl, a fairly new believer who had some issues with her testimony, but she didn't come. I suppose she was afraid she would be asked to give her testimony or she was afraid the hear other people's testimonies or she was afraid to face the fact that InterVarsity was a great place, not like what she expected. "I don't know a single person that doesn't love their testimony, because each one is so unique so beautiful", said by some guy at InterVarsity. Seriously, amen to that.
She had a problem with her testimony because she felt like it wasn't as dramatic as other people's and she didn't really have to go through as big of a change as a lot of the other people we've heard about who had a life of drugs, alcohol, abuse, gambling, etc etc But over the weekend at InterVarsity's fall conference, I had this tiny epiphany. Every single person, when they chose to accept Jesus into their heart and to make that commitment, they are admitting something has been wrong in my life, my life is so wrong without Jesus, I need Jesus, I NEED JESUS to fix me. Last month an atheist/agnostic group on campus went around with chalk and posters with the slogan "You don't need God to be good" And that was exactly linked to my testimony. Before I became a Christian, if any other non-believer had seen me, they might have thought I was good. I didn't do drugs, I didn't drink alcohol, I didn't smoke, I had good grades, I was well-mannered, I made friends-- but there was so much that was wrong with me. I could have lived the rest of my life, never meeting Jesus, never acknowledging God, and I could have lived, could have had very happy moments, but honestly it wouldn't be enough. Especially know that I have what I have because of Jesus, I can't even go back there to when I didn't know Jesus. I can't go back and be satisfied. We might not need God to be socially accepted as good, but we definitely need God for so much more.
And I think if after you've accepted Christ, you feel that you haven't changed much from before then there are ONLY three posibilities. (1)You aren't looking hard enough, ask someone else and surely they'd tell you that you've changed a lot. (2)You haven't been making efforts to transform your life, to renew your soul! Go read the Bible and be imitator of God. (3)You're really dense. Once you've received "instructions" to change, you still don't. You don't strive better yourself and you've grown satisfied with being a sinner. You've given up trying to change. I think I've gone through all three and I'm not saying that I won't occasionally feel a glimpse of 1,2,or3, but that's probably why someone might not have noticed change in themselves after some time they've accepted Christ.
In my silliness, I wonder if it could be an evil spirit. Because apparently,when I still slept at home, I did a lot of crazy stuff in my sleep. Like, opening my eyes, sitting up, talking to people, screaming, yelling, swearing, talking to an unidentifiable entity, and mumbling random incoherent sounds. Is that the way God is speaking to me? Or is something really weird going on? I really want to know what happens when I sleep, but I have no idea. Whenever I wake up with a massive headache for no reason, I can usually conclude or assume with a good deal of confidence that I had some big movements in my sleep.
But besides that weird sleep thing, I didn't really think I had anything special, nothing like a spiritual gift. Yesterday, at bible discussion, my small group leader prayed for me and she prayed about my efforts in evangelism. And it was like my heart jumped, 'how did she know!' I had someone else pray about it at church last week, too. I found myself facing an ocean of people in desperate need of Jesus, but they don't even know. And this is the best thing that's ever happened to me, how dare I be so selfish and keep the good news all to myself? This is better than someone passing out money, better than someone giving job interviews, than some scholarship that every applicant is guaranteed to win-- this is salvation, eternal life, reconciliation with God! My bible discussion leader and another leader suspect that my spiritual gift is evangelism. "WOW!", I said. I swear if I had taken a picture of my face, my jaw was probably on the floor. "WOW!", I said again. I am so humbled, what an amazing gift. What a great honor and blessing if that is really what God gave me. She said they had noticed me when I was still new to the church and to the discussion group that I .. did somethings that made them believe that was my gift. Still, I don't want to get big-headed. If that actually is my spiritual gift, that would be utterly amazing, but a lot of pressure there. But I won't be doing this alone! I have God! And I will so sincerely pray for the Holy Spirit to give me the right words to say, because I know I won't have the right words.. God, use me! Use my body, my voice, my mind, my soul to its fullest capacity, to its fullest potential to serve.
I gave my testimony the other week to my bible study group (bible study and bible discussion are two different groups of people) and I said some really wise stuff I didn't even really consider about before that night. "The closest thing I had to God was Santa Claus, and why I say Santa was the closest thing I had to a God was because what I knew about Santa, he knows every thought you thinking, every word you've spoken, every action you've done and he judges you for them. And with Santa it always felt like he never visited me because he never forgave me for the bad things I did. But I knew Santa wasn't God. .....Something in me, I always felt like someone created me, like someone was watching over everything I did. So I knew of a God. But I didn't know about Jesus. And if you don't know Jesus, you don't know how much God loves you." I said that myself, but I was so shocked when I said it. Was that the Holy Spirit? Was than my brain over-exerting itself? I've never even thought about that before but the words came out of my mouth with so much conviction. I was crying and bawling and snot was every where, but it felt so good. I've thought about my testimony before, but no matter how much I rehearsed it in my head or recalled the process it took for me to meet Jesus, it was nothing like what I said that night. I never thought I could cry and laugh and grit my teeth all at the same time. That testimony night, I invited a girl, a fairly new believer who had some issues with her testimony, but she didn't come. I suppose she was afraid she would be asked to give her testimony or she was afraid the hear other people's testimonies or she was afraid to face the fact that InterVarsity was a great place, not like what she expected. "I don't know a single person that doesn't love their testimony, because each one is so unique so beautiful", said by some guy at InterVarsity. Seriously, amen to that.
She had a problem with her testimony because she felt like it wasn't as dramatic as other people's and she didn't really have to go through as big of a change as a lot of the other people we've heard about who had a life of drugs, alcohol, abuse, gambling, etc etc But over the weekend at InterVarsity's fall conference, I had this tiny epiphany. Every single person, when they chose to accept Jesus into their heart and to make that commitment, they are admitting something has been wrong in my life, my life is so wrong without Jesus, I need Jesus, I NEED JESUS to fix me. Last month an atheist/agnostic group on campus went around with chalk and posters with the slogan "You don't need God to be good" And that was exactly linked to my testimony. Before I became a Christian, if any other non-believer had seen me, they might have thought I was good. I didn't do drugs, I didn't drink alcohol, I didn't smoke, I had good grades, I was well-mannered, I made friends-- but there was so much that was wrong with me. I could have lived the rest of my life, never meeting Jesus, never acknowledging God, and I could have lived, could have had very happy moments, but honestly it wouldn't be enough. Especially know that I have what I have because of Jesus, I can't even go back there to when I didn't know Jesus. I can't go back and be satisfied. We might not need God to be socially accepted as good, but we definitely need God for so much more.
And I think if after you've accepted Christ, you feel that you haven't changed much from before then there are ONLY three posibilities. (1)You aren't looking hard enough, ask someone else and surely they'd tell you that you've changed a lot. (2)You haven't been making efforts to transform your life, to renew your soul! Go read the Bible and be imitator of God. (3)You're really dense. Once you've received "instructions" to change, you still don't. You don't strive better yourself and you've grown satisfied with being a sinner. You've given up trying to change. I think I've gone through all three and I'm not saying that I won't occasionally feel a glimpse of 1,2,or3, but that's probably why someone might not have noticed change in themselves after some time they've accepted Christ.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Jesus, the best guy I know
Three more months of being 18. So weird to be 19. I guess I'm still pretty young.
At church, there were a bunch of babies. And if I would say for my preference, the youngest I'd want to be to have a kid is probably 24. I mean 24 would be my preferred minimum. And 24, that is 6 years from now. Six years may or may not sound like a lot, but it'll come fast. Six years ago, I was in seventh grade, the thought of college seemed so far away and unimaginable/abstract. I though it would take forever for college to come, but here I am sitting in the stereotypical wooden chair (that really hurts your butt) and typing away on the wooden table. I still remember a lot of stuff from 7th grade, I don't remember 7th grade like it was very far away. Some moments still feel fresh, like all I need to do is to call on those memories and the concept of time just felt off.
I hope that I could have a kid by thirty. Thirty, that is twelve years from now. Twelve years ago, I was six, I was in 1st grade or perhaps I just graduated kindergarten. That seems a little further than 7th grade, but I'm sure that'll come soon too. I'm glad I get to measure time by how much I've already spent. But it really forces me to realize how short life is. I'm glad Jesus has got me an eternity in heaven. Jesus, the best guy I know.
At church, there were a bunch of babies. And if I would say for my preference, the youngest I'd want to be to have a kid is probably 24. I mean 24 would be my preferred minimum. And 24, that is 6 years from now. Six years may or may not sound like a lot, but it'll come fast. Six years ago, I was in seventh grade, the thought of college seemed so far away and unimaginable/abstract. I though it would take forever for college to come, but here I am sitting in the stereotypical wooden chair (that really hurts your butt) and typing away on the wooden table. I still remember a lot of stuff from 7th grade, I don't remember 7th grade like it was very far away. Some moments still feel fresh, like all I need to do is to call on those memories and the concept of time just felt off.
I hope that I could have a kid by thirty. Thirty, that is twelve years from now. Twelve years ago, I was six, I was in 1st grade or perhaps I just graduated kindergarten. That seems a little further than 7th grade, but I'm sure that'll come soon too. I'm glad I get to measure time by how much I've already spent. But it really forces me to realize how short life is. I'm glad Jesus has got me an eternity in heaven. Jesus, the best guy I know.
Friday, November 11, 2011
bluntly true
I think my heart is hurting, but I have no actual reasons for these feelings to hold. It's not a sharp pain, but like a slow and sad pounding. And I don't know how to solve this. I can't even tell what's wrong.
My best guess, it's probably because I feel a lot of pressure from school work, scholarships, flying well tomorrow and it just makes me more on the edge. Like a chain for my lips got worn out and I am ready to say some really mean things.
I'M NOT A FREAKIN' DOOR MAT!
Some options I have:
-eat with the girl that is never stops to push me closer to the edge at dining halls
-go to the party with the girl that is selfish and totally takes advantage of me
-go to the international student bible study, where I may be still in a down mood and just ruin things for people
-go to the gym and run for an hour
-start on the scholarship paper
my heart is hurting, I don't want to choose. Is something wrong? Did someone die? break a leg? an arm? I wish I had someone I could just complain to. I can't call Kelly because she's busy, but I don't think she can do anything to help me anyways, no one can. And I don't write that in a depressing and dramatic way, but I say it bluntly as it is true.
I know I can complain to God, and maybe I'm not praying right now because I don't realize the power of prayer. Maybe it means my love for God isn't strong enough that I don't believe in His ability to solve.
What is there to fear if God is with us? What is there to stop us when God is for us? I don't know? But it seems that I still have anxiety deep deep in my heart that is upsetting me.
My best guess, it's probably because I feel a lot of pressure from school work, scholarships, flying well tomorrow and it just makes me more on the edge. Like a chain for my lips got worn out and I am ready to say some really mean things.
I'M NOT A FREAKIN' DOOR MAT!
Some options I have:
-eat with the girl that is never stops to push me closer to the edge at dining halls
-go to the party with the girl that is selfish and totally takes advantage of me
-go to the international student bible study, where I may be still in a down mood and just ruin things for people
-go to the gym and run for an hour
-start on the scholarship paper
my heart is hurting, I don't want to choose. Is something wrong? Did someone die? break a leg? an arm? I wish I had someone I could just complain to. I can't call Kelly because she's busy, but I don't think she can do anything to help me anyways, no one can. And I don't write that in a depressing and dramatic way, but I say it bluntly as it is true.
I know I can complain to God, and maybe I'm not praying right now because I don't realize the power of prayer. Maybe it means my love for God isn't strong enough that I don't believe in His ability to solve.
What is there to fear if God is with us? What is there to stop us when God is for us? I don't know? But it seems that I still have anxiety deep deep in my heart that is upsetting me.
Prayer for Love and Wisdom
When I have weakness in my heart, and I find my fellow brothers and sisters shying away from a good relationship with me, Lord, I pray that You give me more love. That if I have a brother who stepped on my foot or spat at my words, Lord, I pray that You give me more love. That my nature to wickedness, my inclination to evil, my resistance to You, God, would be all cast aside! I pray that You give me more love when I find it irritating to listen to a sister, to look at a brother, to even be in the same room as one. I pray for more love, because I once was dead, but now I live because Christ lives in me. I pray for more wisdom, I pray for the Holy Spirit to come to me and give me the right words to say to my non-believing friends and other new Christians. I pray that everything I've done and will do has been and will be according to Your will. The evil that easily fills my heart, rip it open if you must, so that all the evil may leave it. And I pray for more patience in finding the right church. Because some times I feel like a wall flower, a lot of times I feel like I don't really know those people and they're trying excessively hard to look perfect and it is starting to annoy the hell out of me because they start sounding like robots, like they have no soul, like they're just imitations of each other, like the words that come out are recorded on a tape and is looped to play on forever and ever. Lord, the bad thoughts I have, I want to pray them away. The bad things I still am, I pray them away. I wish I knew what I am doing right now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)