He goes before me

When he brings out his own sheep, he goes before them; and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice. —John 10:4

Before I even fully grasped how financially unstable I was, God went before me and prepared the way. Before I even realized that by the end of this month I wouldn't have enough to pay for this month's dues (rent, utilities, tuition, gas, food, etc), God made a way, and gave me this random financial need grant. 

I'm not sure how exactly to pay next month's stuff. I better be more wise in using my car and my wallet. God is still awesome. While money is a little iffy... I tithed that grant. While I know my sister might lecture me about how it's not really my money to tithe, but it's my mom's and dad's because they carry the bigger burden of my tuition and living. So true. But that grant money did not belong to me, I didn't earn it or deserve it. I needed it, but I didn't deserve it. All that I have has been given to me by our gracious God. Even my earthly parents were given by Him and I am thankful for them. I am thankful for the love that I've felt from my earthly father, because I know that the love of my heavenly Father is greater than even that, which is already so great.

Praise God for His mercy. Praise God for His love for us. Praise God for His righteous character that makes no sense to be received by us. Praise Him forever and ever. May the offering of the little that I have (in comparison to what He's given) be an act of worship, a testament to His glory. 

We can never out give God.

Mt. Lies

After all that had been done. She said to me, "I don't flush the toilet paper."

God says to me, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? ⁷ If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it."
Genesis 4:6

Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.
Psalm 55:22

笨蛋

Knotted

This year, I committed to living with international students, hoping to be a Godly roommate, a representation of Christ. It's the second week of school, but I'm already losing the ability to decipher depth in time. Lots going on. As clear as mud. A lot of stuff. Like, having practically only one week to get back to where I was three months ago, before I left everything in Carbondale to chase after other things in Michigan. I left tearful and confused and bitter. "What have I done?" I thought as I left Carbondale to pursue my commitments with God. I felt broken, facing the epitome of my failures.

There are so many thoughts going on in my head, and I've totally admitted that I cannot handle my problems on my own. While anyone who knows the process of the flight program might say the odds are against me in passing this course, I feel a comforting glimpse of peace.. but some reason I still want to cry.

 My first flight instructor. My first checkairmen for 201A. My second checkairmen for failing my 201A checkride landings. My instructor that witnessed my dumb 7700 experience. All the other staff, faculty, and students that know about my dumb 7700 experience. The chief flight instructor. The safety inspection guy. All the people in the control towers. My professors for my AVM classes. When I walk down the narrow, and seemingly endless hallways of the second floor of the new TEC building, where rooms are as tight as spandex to skin. I walk past the opened doors and glancing eyes. I recognize the voices that go on in each room. "Why are these halls so damn long!" I keep my head down, and I walk faster and faster to avoid glances, to avoid awkward hellos, how-you-doing's, to avoid the possibility that someone might recognize me and remember my mistakes, my failures in this flight program. And I want to cry. I want to be gone, forgotten. Each time my adviser walks past me at the front desk, I feel shame. Whenever I see my first flight instructor, I want to cry out "I'm sorry." When I'm in the proximity of my previous check airmen, I wish that I truly confidently feel like I deserved their kindness even in their failing my checkride, there was kindness. When I bumped into my previous instructor who had to bear through so many of my mistakes and failures, I want to cry and scream "I'm sorry" I thought he left instructing because of me. I thought I was his SIU nightmare. I was nervous to go to church, that I might see him and make him uncomfortable. That I might make him feel sick by the sight of my face, the sound of my name. That I had become repulsive.

I'm sorry for my deficiencies. I'm sorry I wasted your time. I'm sorry I'm still here. I'm sorry I exist. I'm sorry I interrupted your life. I'm sorry you have to walk past me everyday.

Ah. I finally get this out. I finally get to express something I've been going through. I can finally get this out. I can finally lay those thoughts out. I can finally point to these tangible thoughts and say "these are lies" God heal this heart

I need God more than I need air. I need God. I need Him. I need my heavenly Father.

Last two weeks I spent maybe 3 nights at home. Everywhere else that wasn't home made me feel guilty because I left my family waiting for me. I felt like a terrible daughter for not spending the summer home with my parents who miss me to death. Now I'm home, and I don't want to be. Parts of it are so beautiful and sad, parts of it are so ugly and evil. I know Chicago isn't my home anymore. I'm pretty certain God doesn't want me to stay here.

I don't want to be home to see the ugliness. I don't want to be away form home and feel guilty. I don't know where my future leads. I don't know if aviation is where God's called me to be. I don't know if I like flying anymore. I don't know if I could do it anymore. I don't know if there is any passion for it left. I feel like a liar, like I lied to everyone when I told them I loved aviation, I wanted to be a pilot. I have no idea! But if this is God's way of telling me I'm in the wrong field, then by God's great name, I'm leaving it. I seriously have no idea. Prayer for peace, for faith.

Matthew 18:21-35

Struggling with financial stuff, and I just had an amazing week with God in the upper peninsula of Michigan. Lots of brokenness got brought out of me that I didn't even realize was still there and still so strong.

Give with love and intentions. I could be selfish and unreasonable and bitter and say some bad stuff. Blame failing my oral exam because I took it when I knew I wasn't ready, I took it so I could be done and so I could go to MI. But it was entirely my fault. I should have managed my time better. I should have went at my own pace even if that is slower. God's been so good and so faithful.

We drove my car from Carbondale to Chicago and then to MI. Chicago to MI was about 10-11 hour drive because of picking people up and stopping because my car was so old. Right now, I think my car is broken. The pedals were really worn out when we got back and I felt something scraping a hard surface every time I touched the pedals. Creepy stuff. And everyone underpaid with gas. I was bitter about it. If I didn't go, everyone in my car probably couldn't have made it. Yet they didn't pay me enough. My car is in such a bad condition right now, yet they didn't even pay me enough for gas. but God, I am even more angry at my bitterness. I could have been stern about it and said, hey you're all paying wayy less than you're supposed. I could call each of them right now to pay me extra, but that feels so wrong and ridiculous.

I should be way less bitter. I'll assume they had better judgement to know what they gave wasn't enough. I'll assume that they need the money more than I do, even though it doesn't seem like that right now. In the end, my life is still good.

I'm not sure if I'll pass my exam when I get back to Carbondale, I just lost a lot of confidence in that and I haven't gotten to study a lot last week. I'm not sure if I'll have to take that class over. I'm not sure at all if my parents can afford the extra hours I've taken for flight because of my inadequacy and mess-up's. I'm not sure if I can even last after sophomore year because I'd have used up my academic scholarship.. not so smart. Ah.. but even if I fail this class and take it again, even if I have to stop school after next year, God is still here. That doesn't mean I won't try my best, but God's sovereignty will always rule my life no matter what my mess-up's, failures, choices, etc. So glad my God is stronger than all my faults and failures. So glad.

nube

Today, like a lot of my other mornings, there was a stabbing pain in my gut that extended to my heart, worrying about flight. Even this morning when I knew I needed to fly today, I secretly prayed for cloudy skies so I didn't have to fly. Overwhelmed with gloom, this reoccurring thought haunted me, "Is this going to be the rest of my life?" That gloom lasted no more than 30 seconds. Sometimes it was for hours, or the whole morning.

God, what's wrong with me?

Lord, I pray for clear skies, calm winds on Friday.