Monday, September 17, 2012
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Have I
I didn't really consciously want to admit it at first, but some major problems I was dealing with at camp last summer are still problems I need to work on right now. At camp, I struggled a lot with being the authority figure with my cabin each week. I just wanted to be the fun loving one. Then I realized I didn't know how to love my girls through discipline. I couldn't get them to respect me as a leader. I couldn't be the one to impress commands.
After two of my girls got in argument, one of them tried to step on the other girl's fingers. "No! You do not do that." She walked away and talked to another cabin leader.
"Don't you have any respect for me? Do my words mean nothing to you?" I asked her. But no words. I walked to the other room and cried.
I know she loved me. I know she knew my love, but she wasn't responding to me as authority because I never enforced that idea. No matter who I am paired to work with at camp, the other is always the disciplinary one. My partner is always the leader. I'm the one that babies them and sometimes they listen out of guilt. Week after week my partner always struggle with being the "mean" one and the one "less loved" or sometimes "hated one."
The same is happening in my apartment. We have a child living with us that I'd say is physically grown up but has the needs and issues as a camper. I did the same again and spoiled the girl with love that isn't Christ's love, it's a servant's love. It wasn't love by grace, it was love by stupidity. She couldn't see the things I did for her as acts of love, but as her well-deserved right.
My last day of campers for the summer, possibly for life. This girl was crying by herself because she didn't get her canteen money back. One of my proudest moments. Possibly my last moment of camper actually.
"Why are you crying? Didn't I tell you that everyone would get their canteen money back?"
"..but I didn't get mine!"
I got on one knee, to reach her eye-level like we learned in training.
..crying..
"K___, have I ever lied to you?"
"no"
"let's go get it back"
After two of my girls got in argument, one of them tried to step on the other girl's fingers. "No! You do not do that." She walked away and talked to another cabin leader.
"Don't you have any respect for me? Do my words mean nothing to you?" I asked her. But no words. I walked to the other room and cried.
I know she loved me. I know she knew my love, but she wasn't responding to me as authority because I never enforced that idea. No matter who I am paired to work with at camp, the other is always the disciplinary one. My partner is always the leader. I'm the one that babies them and sometimes they listen out of guilt. Week after week my partner always struggle with being the "mean" one and the one "less loved" or sometimes "hated one."
The same is happening in my apartment. We have a child living with us that I'd say is physically grown up but has the needs and issues as a camper. I did the same again and spoiled the girl with love that isn't Christ's love, it's a servant's love. It wasn't love by grace, it was love by stupidity. She couldn't see the things I did for her as acts of love, but as her well-deserved right.
My last day of campers for the summer, possibly for life. This girl was crying by herself because she didn't get her canteen money back. One of my proudest moments. Possibly my last moment of camper actually.
"Why are you crying? Didn't I tell you that everyone would get their canteen money back?"
"..but I didn't get mine!"
I got on one knee, to reach her eye-level like we learned in training.
..crying..
"K___, have I ever lied to you?"
"no"
"let's go get it back"
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Friday, September 7, 2012
He goes before me
When he brings out his own sheep, he goes before them; and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice. —John 10:4
Before I even fully grasped how financially unstable I was, God went before me and prepared the way. Before I even realized that by the end of this month I wouldn't have enough to pay for this month's dues (rent, utilities, tuition, gas, food, etc), God made a way, and gave me this random financial need grant.
I'm not sure how exactly to pay next month's stuff. I better be more wise in using my car and my wallet. God is still awesome. While money is a little iffy... I tithed that grant. While I know my sister might lecture me about how it's not really my money to tithe, but it's my mom's and dad's because they carry the bigger burden of my tuition and living. So true. But that grant money did not belong to me, I didn't earn it or deserve it. I needed it, but I didn't deserve it. All that I have has been given to me by our gracious God. Even my earthly parents were given by Him and I am thankful for them. I am thankful for the love that I've felt from my earthly father, because I know that the love of my heavenly Father is greater than even that, which is already so great.
Praise God for His mercy. Praise God for His love for us. Praise God for His righteous character that makes no sense to be received by us. Praise Him forever and ever. May the offering of the little that I have (in comparison to what He's given) be an act of worship, a testament to His glory.
We can never out give God.
Before I even fully grasped how financially unstable I was, God went before me and prepared the way. Before I even realized that by the end of this month I wouldn't have enough to pay for this month's dues (rent, utilities, tuition, gas, food, etc), God made a way, and gave me this random financial need grant.
I'm not sure how exactly to pay next month's stuff. I better be more wise in using my car and my wallet. God is still awesome. While money is a little iffy... I tithed that grant. While I know my sister might lecture me about how it's not really my money to tithe, but it's my mom's and dad's because they carry the bigger burden of my tuition and living. So true. But that grant money did not belong to me, I didn't earn it or deserve it. I needed it, but I didn't deserve it. All that I have has been given to me by our gracious God. Even my earthly parents were given by Him and I am thankful for them. I am thankful for the love that I've felt from my earthly father, because I know that the love of my heavenly Father is greater than even that, which is already so great.
Praise God for His mercy. Praise God for His love for us. Praise God for His righteous character that makes no sense to be received by us. Praise Him forever and ever. May the offering of the little that I have (in comparison to what He's given) be an act of worship, a testament to His glory.
We can never out give God.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Mt. Lies
After all that had been done. She said to me, "I don't flush the toilet paper."
God says to me, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? 7 If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it."
Genesis 4:6
Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.
Psalm 55:22
God says to me, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? 7 If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it."
Genesis 4:6
Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.
Psalm 55:22
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Knotted
This year, I committed to living with international students, hoping to be a Godly roommate, a representation of Christ. It's the second week of school, but I'm already losing the ability to decipher depth in time. Lots going on. As clear as mud. A lot of stuff. Like, having practically only one week to get back to where I was three months ago, before I left everything in Carbondale to chase after other things in Michigan. I left tearful and confused and bitter. "What have I done?" I thought as I left Carbondale to pursue my commitments with God. I felt broken, facing the epitome of my failures.
There are so many thoughts going on in my head, and I've totally admitted that I cannot handle my problems on my own. While anyone who knows the process of the flight program might say the odds are against me in passing this course, I feel a comforting glimpse of peace.. but some reason I still want to cry.
My first flight instructor. My first checkairmen for 201A. My second checkairmen for failing my 201A checkride landings. My instructor that witnessed my dumb 7700 experience. All the other staff, faculty, and students that know about my dumb 7700 experience. The chief flight instructor. The safety inspection guy. All the people in the control towers. My professors for my AVM classes. When I walk down the narrow, and seemingly endless hallways of the second floor of the new TEC building, where rooms are as tight as spandex to skin. I walk past the opened doors and glancing eyes. I recognize the voices that go on in each room. "Why are these halls so damn long!" I keep my head down, and I walk faster and faster to avoid glances, to avoid awkward hellos, how-you-doing's, to avoid the possibility that someone might recognize me and remember my mistakes, my failures in this flight program. And I want to cry. I want to be gone, forgotten. Each time my adviser walks past me at the front desk, I feel shame. Whenever I see my first flight instructor, I want to cry out "I'm sorry." When I'm in the proximity of my previous check airmen, I wish that I truly confidently feel like I deserved their kindness even in their failing my checkride, there was kindness. When I bumped into my previous instructor who had to bear through so many of my mistakes and failures, I want to cry and scream "I'm sorry" I thought he left instructing because of me. I thought I was his SIU nightmare. I was nervous to go to church, that I might see him and make him uncomfortable. That I might make him feel sick by the sight of my face, the sound of my name. That I had become repulsive.
I'm sorry for my deficiencies. I'm sorry I wasted your time. I'm sorry I'm still here. I'm sorry I exist. I'm sorry I interrupted your life. I'm sorry you have to walk past me everyday.
Ah. I finally get this out. I finally get to express something I've been going through. I can finally get this out. I can finally lay those thoughts out. I can finally point to these tangible thoughts and say "these are lies" God heal this heart
There are so many thoughts going on in my head, and I've totally admitted that I cannot handle my problems on my own. While anyone who knows the process of the flight program might say the odds are against me in passing this course, I feel a comforting glimpse of peace.. but some reason I still want to cry.
My first flight instructor. My first checkairmen for 201A. My second checkairmen for failing my 201A checkride landings. My instructor that witnessed my dumb 7700 experience. All the other staff, faculty, and students that know about my dumb 7700 experience. The chief flight instructor. The safety inspection guy. All the people in the control towers. My professors for my AVM classes. When I walk down the narrow, and seemingly endless hallways of the second floor of the new TEC building, where rooms are as tight as spandex to skin. I walk past the opened doors and glancing eyes. I recognize the voices that go on in each room. "Why are these halls so damn long!" I keep my head down, and I walk faster and faster to avoid glances, to avoid awkward hellos, how-you-doing's, to avoid the possibility that someone might recognize me and remember my mistakes, my failures in this flight program. And I want to cry. I want to be gone, forgotten. Each time my adviser walks past me at the front desk, I feel shame. Whenever I see my first flight instructor, I want to cry out "I'm sorry." When I'm in the proximity of my previous check airmen, I wish that I truly confidently feel like I deserved their kindness even in their failing my checkride, there was kindness. When I bumped into my previous instructor who had to bear through so many of my mistakes and failures, I want to cry and scream "I'm sorry" I thought he left instructing because of me. I thought I was his SIU nightmare. I was nervous to go to church, that I might see him and make him uncomfortable. That I might make him feel sick by the sight of my face, the sound of my name. That I had become repulsive.
I'm sorry for my deficiencies. I'm sorry I wasted your time. I'm sorry I'm still here. I'm sorry I exist. I'm sorry I interrupted your life. I'm sorry you have to walk past me everyday.
Ah. I finally get this out. I finally get to express something I've been going through. I can finally get this out. I can finally lay those thoughts out. I can finally point to these tangible thoughts and say "these are lies" God heal this heart
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