Ripping

What sin did I commit to feel as torn as I feel? What treachery were of my words to be looked at with such contempt? What cause do I have to have such a wretched heart so ugly and displeasing, that in my seeking to please my Father would bring shame to my family? What the freak?

A place to rest my head

My heart is heavy, my head is light. God, where are you? God, where are you? God, where are you?

To the One who refreshes my soul

Hear my heart and its weariness. I offer up my praises and worries as offering to you, the one I trust with my entire life. I am a dumb sheep, vulnerable to traps, deception, and despair. Yet, you found me and kept me in your sights, so I will follow your precepts forever.

09-29-2012

Just as Phillip was obedient to God and evangelized to the Ethiopian Eunuch, Phillip could have disobeyed. He could’ve said, “God, this is a little weird. What are the chances someone would listen? What are the chances some heart would change?” But Phillip didn’t doubt God sovereignty in commanding. Phillip followed God’s calling and evangelized and shared the good news of Jesus, and baptized the Eunuch immediately! Man that was awesome. If Phillip chose to not respond, God could still have reached the Eunuch in different ways, but Phillip would’ve missed out in so much. It’s really God’s grace to be called to serve His kingdom. It’s grace to testify His mercy, this love. 

Shit Color

"Don't stand in the sun or you'll turn into a 黑鬼," said mom. Letting go of her side, I clenched my fists, widened my eyes, and walked in the sun through the streets of Hong Kong in rebellion to my mom's comment. I was a stubborn and prideful child. Growing up, I recollect many of the comments made about my skin which is tan like leather, beige like mud, brown like shit.

I am amazed and dumbfounded, because I just realized how ugly I am.

"You're so black, I thought you were Filipino. I can't believe you're Kelly's sister. I would never think you were Chinese, because you're so black."
"Why are you so black?"
"This one is so black."
"Why are you so black, is the sun hotter in America?"

All these comments, I've heard all my life and I received them as observations, because I am tan, I am dark. I know this and I have never tried to hide my skin color, nor have I ever been ashamed of it. I've always known that my Asian culture had a preference for light colored skin, but I just realized today my people think I am ugly because I am dark. They literally think I am ugly. They literally think I look like shit color and I am disgusting. I told my dad what I realized and he said yes, of course. I feel so shocked. I feel so angry. I feel so sorry for my people that they could be so wrong. I feel so stupid because, I had no idea that I am shit colored.

A Walk Through Memory Lane Pt. Nightmares

This weekend was like a blast of the past. I got home late from camp, and after getting cleaned up, I chatted with my mom. There is a terrible and dark nightmare that my mom has. Sometimes when she couldn't get the nightmare out of her mind, she would tell sis and me about it. Bits and pieces of the nightmare would haunt her in many occasions, slowly creeping into the fore thoughts of her subconscious. They were slyish lies that wrung so tightly around her soul, trying to suffocate and break her. The nightmare was actually not a dream; it was her life for many years. The neglect, the abuse, the cursing, the displeasure, the pain, the chaos,  even the time we met face to face with the point of no return. As we got older and more rude, whenever my mom would begin to tell us of the nightmare, sis and I would get impatient and tell her to forgive, forget, and move on. While her children told her to shut up, some called her a liar and many worse things, warping the truth and crushing her spirit.

Last night, mom told me parts of the nightmare again. She gave me a disclaimer that while she is not trying to hold a grudge against what the people have done to her, the nightmare was a part of her life that she couldn't ignore. This time the nightmare was different. I realized, the nightmare of her past has become her testimony. It is no longer chaining her down. The curse is broken. The redeeming good news of Jesus rendered those lies powerless. Her nightmare is no longer a nightmare, now, it is a testament to God's glory, God's good purposes.

As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.     Genesis 50:20

Lord, cover my eyes and let them rest. Lord, close my wounds and let them heal. Lord, lift my feet and let them stand.