Matt. 28// I want full-time

 Propelled by fear that is accompanied by joy.. or is it just fear itself? There has been something beautiful about fear in the study of matthew. "Do not fear, it is me. Take heart. Do not be afraid." This semester I have been so afraid. Afraid of not meeting my parents' expectations. Afraid of graduating and not knowing where I'll be afterwards. Afraid of loneliness. Afraid of the unknown.

In Matthew 28, there is this beautiful illustration of commanding and responding. Pretty much what happens is, the two Mary's approach the tomb. There is an earthquake, and the sight of this angel terrifies the shit out of these guards.

The angel tells the Mary's, Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus... Come and see the place where he lay. 7 Then go quickly and tell his disciples...” 

8 So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. 

Then Jesus greets them, and says to them "Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me."

The guards had a contrasting response. They also went and told. They told the chief priests and elders, who then tells them to lie and to not be afraid because they would be kept out of trouble. The guards were solely afraid, they had no joy in that news. 

However, because Jesus has all the authority, we, as disciples, are to go and make disciples, to baptize, to teach. 

Go, because you recognize the authority, the identity of the one who commands you. 

Go because you recognize the peace and the truth that comes with the message. 

Go because the natural response of knowing God is to go and tell others, to go and make disciples.

"All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore [you] go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age"

I have a nightmare too

I have anxiety problems. I am overly emotional and face life with my heart glued to my forehead. It guides me. It consumes me. It is demanding and unable to be silenced.

Sometimes the world feels like it's too much, too dark, too painful. I have been seeking counseling to help unravel my misery, my anxiety, my thoughts.. to get to the root, to find the pattern, to break the cycle.

From my infantile state, poison was spoken into my life.
They hate us because you're not a boy. 
They look down on us because of you and where your mom is from. 
They will never love your mom or you. 
Why are you so stupid? 
Why do you bother to go to school when you're just so useless?

Sometimes life feels like a nightmare, like an endless track of horror on replay. What is going on? When will it end? When will it stop? When will I be whole?
Slowly, Victoria. The answer is 'slowly.'
I have been in this cycle for 21 years. The answer is slowly. I can't go home. My nightmare is still playing. It wants to eat me alive. It wants my soul. If I don't wake up, it will have it.

Ripping

What sin did I commit to feel as torn as I feel? What treachery were of my words to be looked at with such contempt? What cause do I have to have such a wretched heart so ugly and displeasing, that in my seeking to please my Father would bring shame to my family? What the freak?

A place to rest my head

My heart is heavy, my head is light. God, where are you? God, where are you? God, where are you?

To the One who refreshes my soul

Hear my heart and its weariness. I offer up my praises and worries as offering to you, the one I trust with my entire life. I am a dumb sheep, vulnerable to traps, deception, and despair. Yet, you found me and kept me in your sights, so I will follow your precepts forever.

09-29-2012

Just as Phillip was obedient to God and evangelized to the Ethiopian Eunuch, Phillip could have disobeyed. He could’ve said, “God, this is a little weird. What are the chances someone would listen? What are the chances some heart would change?” But Phillip didn’t doubt God sovereignty in commanding. Phillip followed God’s calling and evangelized and shared the good news of Jesus, and baptized the Eunuch immediately! Man that was awesome. If Phillip chose to not respond, God could still have reached the Eunuch in different ways, but Phillip would’ve missed out in so much. It’s really God’s grace to be called to serve His kingdom. It’s grace to testify His mercy, this love. 

Shit Color

"Don't stand in the sun or you'll turn into a 黑鬼," said mom. Letting go of her side, I clenched my fists, widened my eyes, and walked in the sun through the streets of Hong Kong in rebellion to my mom's comment. I was a stubborn and prideful child. Growing up, I recollect many of the comments made about my skin which is tan like leather, beige like mud, brown like shit.

I am amazed and dumbfounded, because I just realized how ugly I am.

"You're so black, I thought you were Filipino. I can't believe you're Kelly's sister. I would never think you were Chinese, because you're so black."
"Why are you so black?"
"This one is so black."
"Why are you so black, is the sun hotter in America?"

All these comments, I've heard all my life and I received them as observations, because I am tan, I am dark. I know this and I have never tried to hide my skin color, nor have I ever been ashamed of it. I've always known that my Asian culture had a preference for light colored skin, but I just realized today my people think I am ugly because I am dark. They literally think I am ugly. They literally think I look like shit color and I am disgusting. I told my dad what I realized and he said yes, of course. I feel so shocked. I feel so angry. I feel so sorry for my people that they could be so wrong. I feel so stupid because, I had no idea that I am shit colored.