Random Rant: Forecast for Flurry

I feel a flurry of emotions. I looked out the window today and the sight was of giant snow flakes indecisively floating in the air with no direction and no cause.

I feel a flurry of emotions. It's building up and the roof is caving in. I am not processing. I am avoiding. I am momentarily unable to react. I am stunned. It's like I'm going on autopilot, bullstg my way through life. I'm counseling young students. I'm leading our leaders. I'm assisting in meetings. I'm participating in events and activities, and I am there.. but so easily I can go through the motions and pray the prayers but be empty inside.

But this time, I'm not empty. I'm quite the contrary, I think. I am full with emotions. Full with feelings. I feel for my students. I feel for my campus. I feel for my cause. I feel for my team. I feel for all the things that haven't come yet. My heart is breaking. I am exhausted from feeling. I am deeply burdened. But my heart is not mending. I am not being renewed. I do not feel lightness in the load that I carry. I suppose the root of it comes from a shallow relationship with God. Maybe because of my sin issues, my fears, my insecurities, my doubts.. I am withholding myself from God. But maybe we're not supposed to be happy all the time. Maybe right now, I am righteously burdened. Maybe my heart is righteously breaking. Nonetheless, I can't sit here forever in hopelessness

Feeling. Feeling. Feeling.
Crying. Crying. Crying.

Lord, would you come? Would you hear my cry and come?

"This One"

After walking across the stage, being handed the piece of paper that wasn't my diploma, I continued to the line of professors who held their hands and arms out to meet the new graduates. I walked to Dr. Horton and she gave me a massive hug. I felt so happy. I continued to walk and shake hands and receive pats on my back. "This one. She is the one I was talking about. She would've been perfect, but she's not going to grad school."

I can hold onto that for now, but after a while, I will be forgotten. Many other great students will come forth and they will do great things. Then holding onto this praise would be worthless. My pride is probably one of my biggest thorns. For so much of my life, I chased and ran desperately after being the prize in people's memories, if even for a faint moment. Oh, what I wouldn't do. I loved it. It was like a drug. But it became a bad drug, when I needed it more than I needed anything else.

I love being prized. I love being valued as worthy. I love taking breath away.

But my world has been changing. He calls me, that I might set my gaze on him. He tells me I am worthy. He takes my breath away each day. My joy and my deep satisfaction comes from seeing His will done.

My heartstrings, they strum a sad song.

For Greater Glory

Lord, even if things don't get better, You've taught me that you are still good. So I cry out from the depths:

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Wrestling

My home is where my Father is. Not an earthly home, people, or place. My home is where my Father is. When I feel alone, forgotten, and so insanely left out, I remember my home is where my Father is.

I smile. I grit my teeth. I say I am thankful, and I am. All I can do is say positive things, because if I don't.. life really really sucks. If I don't.. I don't know what's left. "God is the one who sustains me and gives me hope." I'm afraid I'm going to go crazy saying the same things over and over again to comfort myself.

"I don't come here for fellowship. I have no fellowship here. I don't come here for friends. I have no friends here. I don't come here to be loved. I don't come here to be cared for. I come here for God. He gives me all I need."

HIS BRIDE (a rant)

At the identity workshop, one woman asked, "How can I become a strong Godly single woman?" So we entered into the topic of singleness.

There is some talk of, "You're single, because you're not ready for a relationship yet and God is having you wait for your own good." Or it's like you're in a car ride, constantly asking, "are we there yet?" and God is the annoyed parent, who tells you to wait. Or there is the circular, you'll have a boyfriend/husband, when you stop looking. Ugh.. I just want to vomit. These words, I've probably said before, but now I'm sick of hearing them.

God made marriage, and He loves marriage. I don't want to grow bitter towards relationships, but I hate how the desire for marriage/dating takes so much attention (even my own). Our lives do not revolve around being in a relationship. We are not in this season of singleness-trial because God desires to whip us in shape for a Godly husband. A marriage relationship between a man and woman is just an attempt to imitate the slightest fragment of the covenant marriage that we are waiting for, as God's bride. The fact is that no marriage between man and woman will fully capture, nor come close, to the relationship God has with us.

I believe that you can date/marry someone even when you're not "ready." What is ready? No one is going to enter into any relationship with no sin issues, baggage, or false expectations. We try our best, and even that will fail sometimes.. but in our failures, we keep trying because of the hope that was given to us from what was accomplished through Jesus'. We wait expectantly and confidently for our groom to return to us. We wait faithfully and boldly for the one we love. Even in dating and marriage, that person I date/marry should challenge me to love God more. The point is not to be his bride, but to be His bride. and likewise for women.. we should help our brothers to love God more, to faithfully wait, too.

As long as we look at a singleness circumstance as, 'I am single because I am not ready to be in a relationship,' we are going to miss the point and do a huge disservice to women who are single. This idea insinuates a defect in single women, and women in relationships have "passed the test." A woman who is dating or in a relationship will continue to face trials, struggles, and testing.

 'I am being worked on because the way that I am currently is not going to produce a healthy relationship. I will trust in God's timing and pruning' We are not pruned for marriage to another human being, we are pruned to likeness with Christ.. and that would result in good things, and we should love others better if we are more like Christ. I've seen plenty of amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, incredibly faithful and spiritual women single in later ages.

But as always, this anger and upset-ness I feel says more about my judgments of myself and where I have been in this thought process. I am more angry with myself than I am with the words that were said in the workshop, angry that I have missed the mark for so long.. angry that I'll still struggle and miss the mark despite knowing this intellectually to some capacity.. angry that although this is something I know and remember right now, I might doubt, forget, and wrestle with this for the rest of my life, but I am willing to wrestle until my groom returns.

Trapped Under the Carpet

We spend hours and days cleaning our house, so our honored guest would come.. and we'd tell them, "excuse our mess, we haven't had the chance to clean." Kelly is engaged and recently passed her boards. I am doing humble work. We talk about our houses, our cars, and our great lives.  We wear nice clothes and shoes. We spend more than we normally do. We go places we normally don't go to.