Lord, cover my eyes and let them rest. Lord, close my wounds and let them heal. Lord, lift my feet and let them stand.

Dry Spell

For three weeks, after my very short missions trip to St. Louis, where I "encountered" God everyday in study, quiet time, service, worship, and just about every moment, I was in a season of utter "Bleh." Back to reality, like the Eminem song. Oh, there goes gravity. Numbness, again, because I fear that any abrupt movement might tear my fetal heart.  So I stay still, very still. Routinely going about the day. Sleepless nights, wakeless days. Sitting in class, looking forward to the light buzz I'll find at home to ease my nothing. Sitting in class, distracted, but hearing about addiction and depression and disorder like a stuck track. No I'm pretty sure I'm not addicted. Depression, it's the common cold of psychological illnesses anyways.

I was very quick to judge. I was defensive. I doubted people's genuine-ity and care. I wanted to be alone. I wanted people around me to drown the mosquito pangs of my rampant thoughts. I wanted to keep busy. I wanted to sleep. I couldn't sleep. I wanted this season to pass without going through the soul-purging process of taking sin out of my life.

I take a step back and look at my life and I can't help but think, 'What the eff' did I do?' Numbly, I go home for my mom's baptism. Dad tells me I'm throwing my life away in my major. We argue. I dared to say that he is disappointed in me as a daughter because I can't repay the debt I owe in exchange for everything he and mom had given me. I accused him of conditional love. I accused our relationship of being like that of a bank and a borrower. Return with interest. Return this debt with my own life. I told him the pressure of them giving me their everything is too much.

I am killing my parents. They are crying out, begging me, bargaining with me to at least double major in something 'worthwhile.' "What are you going to do with social work? Are you planning on marrying a rich doctor?" The more they ask, the more I feel tugging at me.. no I don't want to do social work, I want to do ministry. That would break their hearts even more, wouldn't it?

If I had an infinite amount of material wealth, my first thing to do is to pay off my parents' mortgage. I would pay off their debts. Then buy them nice things: house, car, hacky sacks, new clothes so mom doesn't have to wear hand-me-downs from our bourgeoisie relatives. So everyone in the family can shut the eff' up and stop looking down on others. Then I don't need any of the wealth. Just give it all to them, so I am free. I can live my life and they know that I have received their love and I am truly grateful. I can bring them early retirement, take the work from them. Oh how sweet. But the fact that my mom knows Jesus as savior is an infinite times better than that. So I'll choose that over infinite material wealth any day. And for my dad, too.

Spring Break Blues

Last year after a heart wrenching 10 days on my first overseas missions trip in the Dominican Republic, I went through a mild state of ceaseless crying and homesickness. I contemplated dropping out of college and moving back in with my parents. I instant messaged my dad saying "I love you" and with what little he knows about technology, he replied "me too". And I wept. I felt so far. Far from God. Far from dad and mom. Far from Kelly. Far from people who loved me and babied me. I was also coming more to grips with pathetic self-esteem after my confession that turned into a rejection. A broken car. A new roommate. A major I hated.

I still need closure. Memories of the two years I spent as a pilot still haunt me like a nightmare. The gossip. The accident. The night flight. The landings. The ground classes. The safety reports, hah.. The flight to evansville airport. I made so many mistakes. It was hard to look at myself.

Now I am back in the same room after a year and another spring break trip. I had a spontaneous trip to Chicago for two days right after I came back from the St. Louis missions trip. It was hard to leave, but not as hard as one year ago. Where I bawled and said I didn't want to go back [to Carbondale]. I cried while driving back, actually leaving several hours later than I planned. I prayed out loud to God until I felt like I lost my voice.. asking Him to help my heart. Oh Lord, I take pity on the person I was a year ago for the things I was feeling.

This spring break at City Lights was breathtakingly amazing. It was basically a week of manual labor and full on God through serving eyes. This post will not do it justice. After my first two days of laboring, I was frustrated and I felt so spiritually dry. I said to myself, I hope I won't have to do this kind of work in my future. While I was raking in the beating sun for 6 hours, I realized that the work I was doing was comparable to work I might do to get paid. Instead, I was giving money to work.. Having felt prompted with the song lyrics in my mind "I will go. Lord, send me. I will follow you.." A question protruding before all other thoughts "Will you really?" I was shocked by my own ugliness and I answered in my heart "Yes, my Lord Jesus. Yes!" Because you are the best thing for me.

My call to commitment:

Lord, help me say Yes to you everyday.

It's Green Where You Water It

Where do I report a drought? We are dying of thirst.

"I don't believe in best friends"

I don't believe in best friends, because best friends just break your heart.

My heart cries out, I can't trust anyone. But this isn't time for a stupid pity party. No one should trust me either, because I am human and I am sinful. Give me your entire heart, and I will break it even if I love you with all of mine.  Every year around this time (my birthday, not valentines days), I'm reminded of loneliness. I came alone. I am alone. I leave alone.

No one to talk to but God. No one to cry to but God. No one to listen but God.

People are disgusting.
People are deceitful.
People are selfish.
People are cruel.

Let me step back in my judgement.

Lord, I am disgusting.
Lord, I am deceitful.
Lord, I am selfish.
Lord, I am cruel.

Thank you for still loving me. Help me love like you.

But no, It's not ok

The other week, my supervisor came to my desk and told me, "That's why I hired you." "You're Filipino, right?" she asked. She hired me because of my color and how good that might look in the office. I work hard. I have great work ethics. I am loyal. I have experience. There are so many better reasons she should have hired me for besides my color.

A couple of days ago, I went to her office and told her about a computer problem. She went into the hall way and shouted "Our student workers are useless and don't know anything." She ignored me for the next two days. Today, she told me I was doing a great job.

My heart feels betrayed. My color?

last week, when I turned in my application as a student worker to the student employment office, the lady in charge and I talked briefly. Before I was about to leave she stopped me, "Are you sure you're allowed to work? Did you check that?" I looked at her, thinking I knew what she meant. "Yea, we made sure. The handbook says I can work 16 additional hours with the undergraduate assistanceship." She said, "No, are you sure you're legal to work since you're not a citizen?" My eyes widened, "I'm American." She double checked my forms. "I'm sorry I thought I saw it marked not USA citizen" my lips make a smile and I walk towards the door. My mouth makes a chuckle and words come out, "It's okay, you're not the first person to say that to me."

Uncompromised

Recently, I had dinner with some girls from the international student bible study, my new friends this semester. Over dinner, we went around the table talking about our ideal guys, haha. Typical. And at the end, when they got to me, I said,

"Hopefully the guy is taller than me by several inches, given that I'm super short and that shouldn't be too difficult. But most important, whoever he be, he must love God more than he loves me. He should be hardworking. He can make me laugh. He has a heart for people and loves international students."

And we went into a long conversation about why Christians want to date/marry Christians, and how that was unfair in their eyes. We talked about these things we looked for in our 'partner' as if our lists were judgement on all the men of the world.  When I said that the male leaders in our international ministry probably look for Christian women in marriage, I could easily sense that this brought an unsettled atmosphere to our table. ...But how could religion not be a big deal? Religion can play into polygamy, into domestic abuse, into mutilation

reflecting just now.. it's not about what I care most about him, it's about what I care most about myself and about my life.

What I mean:

International students have become a source of life for me. If he doesn't love international students, there is a whole chunk of me that he would never know, never understand. So how could he even begin to love me entirely, when there is so much about me that he is unable to see?

I care most about God. God is my life. He is my everyday, my every moment. If he doesn't know God, know Jesus, that is my life that he would never know, never understand. So how could he even begin to love me, if this is all of me, and he is unable to see?

So, I continually want God. I continually choose God. I will never change my heart about that.

I say I look for those things in a 'partner' because I don't want those things in me and about me to ever go away. God is not a debate for my life. I will not compromise God.

Some might say they prefer someone who loves dancing, running, or singing, who lives in a certain part of the world, or makes a certain amount of wealth. It's looking at our own lives, thinking  "who am I and what about who-I-am do I care about the most"

DISCLAIMER: I do not support the idea of marriage as being a calling, or singleness as a calling. You don't have to be called by God to be single. It is not a disease. God wants us to be faithful in everyday. We are not incomplete until we are married. We are complete when we proclaim Jesus as lord over our lives, and when we say that, we're saying, 'nothing else but Jesus.'