unraveling. like an orange peel.

Summer 2015

My heart is hurt from old wounds. So many wounds, why do they still sting? Hasn't time offered healing?

Summer 2015 was an incredibly difficult summer. Loneliness, anxiety, fear, self-loathing.. Summer 2015; it was an incredibly difficult summer.

I have this unknown and deep fear about attraction. I feel the burden of broken sexuality. The lie that women are hypersexualized. Our bodies are sin-provoking and a danger to man. Our bodies need to be covered up. We can't touch, or we're hussies. We can't be friendly, or we're flirtatious and desperate.

Summer 2015. I was suffocating. My heart hurts from old wounds. Why do they still sting? Hasn't time offered healing?

Summer 2015 was an incredibly difficult summer.

Random Rant: Forecast for Flurry

I feel a flurry of emotions. I looked out the window today and the sight was of giant snow flakes indecisively floating in the air with no direction and no cause.

I feel a flurry of emotions. It's building up and the roof is caving in. I am not processing. I am avoiding. I am momentarily unable to react. I am stunned. It's like I'm going on autopilot, bullstg my way through life. I'm counseling young students. I'm leading our leaders. I'm assisting in meetings. I'm participating in events and activities, and I am there.. but so easily I can go through the motions and pray the prayers but be empty inside.

But this time, I'm not empty. I'm quite the contrary, I think. I am full with emotions. Full with feelings. I feel for my students. I feel for my campus. I feel for my cause. I feel for my team. I feel for all the things that haven't come yet. My heart is breaking. I am exhausted from feeling. I am deeply burdened. But my heart is not mending. I am not being renewed. I do not feel lightness in the load that I carry. I suppose the root of it comes from a shallow relationship with God. Maybe because of my sin issues, my fears, my insecurities, my doubts.. I am withholding myself from God. But maybe we're not supposed to be happy all the time. Maybe right now, I am righteously burdened. Maybe my heart is righteously breaking. Nonetheless, I can't sit here forever in hopelessness

Feeling. Feeling. Feeling.
Crying. Crying. Crying.

Lord, would you come? Would you hear my cry and come?

"This One"

After walking across the stage, being handed the piece of paper that wasn't my diploma, I continued to the line of professors who held their hands and arms out to meet the new graduates. I walked to Dr. Horton and she gave me a massive hug. I felt so happy. I continued to walk and shake hands and receive pats on my back. "This one. She is the one I was talking about. She would've been perfect, but she's not going to grad school."

I can hold onto that for now, but after a while, I will be forgotten. Many other great students will come forth and they will do great things. Then holding onto this praise would be worthless. My pride is probably one of my biggest thorns. For so much of my life, I chased and ran desperately after being the prize in people's memories, if even for a faint moment. Oh, what I wouldn't do. I loved it. It was like a drug. But it became a bad drug, when I needed it more than I needed anything else.

I love being prized. I love being valued as worthy. I love taking breath away.

But my world has been changing. He calls me, that I might set my gaze on him. He tells me I am worthy. He takes my breath away each day. My joy and my deep satisfaction comes from seeing His will done.

My heartstrings, they strum a sad song.

For Greater Glory

Lord, even if things don't get better, You've taught me that you are still good. So I cry out from the depths:

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Wrestling

My home is where my Father is. Not an earthly home, people, or place. My home is where my Father is. When I feel alone, forgotten, and so insanely left out, I remember my home is where my Father is.

I smile. I grit my teeth. I say I am thankful, and I am. All I can do is say positive things, because if I don't.. life really really sucks. If I don't.. I don't know what's left. "God is the one who sustains me and gives me hope." I'm afraid I'm going to go crazy saying the same things over and over again to comfort myself.

"I don't come here for fellowship. I have no fellowship here. I don't come here for friends. I have no friends here. I don't come here to be loved. I don't come here to be cared for. I come here for God. He gives me all I need."