Discouragement

"So that was the last straw"

This week, things have really been building up. Commitments with groups, events, and people. Responsibilities with groups, school, and home. For all the time I've been at Carbondale, I don't think I have ever cried as hard as I did today.

I called my insurance company, which was public health care and free until I turned 19. I called them because I needed the monthly insurance card by the time I got back to Chicago this weekend to get my wisdom teeth out. I called and told them I haven't received it yet and I would be 18 for two more weeks.

They put me on hold for a good two minutes to tell me I don't get insurance anymore. That was the last straw. In question form, I repeated what the woman over the phone had just said to me. 'Yes', she said, 'you no longer have insurance' 'Oh.' I said with a long pause 'Thanks' and we both hung up. That was the last straw. I stood there, supposing to breath, but it was like someone punched my solar plexus and I was hysterical. I called my dad. "Hello, tori?" I couldn't say it. I couldn't say anything. "Tori?"
"Dad, I don't have insurance anymore"
He didn't say much, but it was obvious I was crying. "We'll just pay for it then"
"Dad. It's $300 per tooth"
"We'll just pay"
We hung up, and I just cried and cried. I felt out of breath, like there wasn't enough oxygen at some points. There was another guy standing behind me while all that happened. He was probably scared and confused. It went something like, phone call, talk talk talk, cry, phone call, talk talk talk in another language, cry, couldn't breath, cry.
 I hid away and called for cell phone prayer. This surgery took 6months to get. A lot of emailing professors and paying extra train fare and changing things around just to make it work. And I just felt screwed. Like life just played a nasty prank on me. And I cried and cried.

I went back to my dorm after an hour of calming down. I ended up taking the elevator with some floormates, and I had some baby tears left unwept. And they thought I cried because of a bad flight. Being the guys that they were, they were scared and didn't know what to do, so the sent another girl to comfort me, haha. I did have a bad flight, it was a terrible flight. It was disgusting. It was like I was worse than before I started. Like I didn't learn anything ever. It really was that bad. But I am blessed with an instructor that didn't scream at me or tell me to quit flight. I am blessed with an instructor that told me to not get discouraged, to have a good weekend.

It's like my progress is going backwards and downhill from where I started, as if that were ever meant to be possible. At Aviation Management Society, the guest speaker from Delta shared his experience with a very bad co-pilot "Some people just aren't born to be pilots. I'm not sure how he passed, but that's what CFI's are for" I'm pretty sure he caught a glance at me, and I'm pretty sure my face had despair all over it, like he was narrating my future. How did I pass 201A? Wasn't it just all by grace? I know it was all by grace. I shouldn't have passed. They felt bad for me. It was the last day before break began. There was a time crunch. How did I pass 201A with my dangerous landings?

God, I wish I was good at flying. I wish it came easy to me. I wish it came at me at a normal pace and not this  reversing one. God, I wish I could fly all day without it costing me so much, so I could get better. God, I wish I were already better, so my parents wouldn't have to pay so much extra. Will I ever even get there? How long will it take?

God, should I sell my hair? I suddenly want to do that, and to sell my blood plasma. But how can I do that? How can I try so hard to seek comfort by the number in my bank account? I'm gonna cut off my hair, and donate it.