I sat at a coffee shop today for about 8 hours. Reading for class, writing for class, distracting myself with things I need to eventually do like changing my driver's license and parking my car somewhere over Christmas break.

I had my headphones on and my coffee at my side. Although I was still and silent, so much was going on inside me in the span of those eight hours. At occasions I would glance up and notice the coffee shop is full of people, but everyone is sitting alone, having arrived alone to do something alone just like me. No one exchanged a word, except the occasional family that would come in for cookies and chocolate milk and the one couple that did a crossword puzzle together. Do the others feel lonely, too?

I have been checking out a church and one of their small groups which is getting big so they're splitting up. A few days ago, I met with someone from my small group who I assumed he was trying to get to get me to join his small group after the split. He asked me what I wanted from a small group and I said: scripture study, intimacy, and friendship. Even though it had been about 7 weeks, I still did not feel like I had formed friendships yet. He admitted the small group isn't great with that and shared that he had been attending this small group for two years, but has not felt like he has had any deep friendships w/ anyone his whole time there. I don't think he realized what that conveyed to me, but I felt discouraged. Why didn't he do anything about it for the last two years? What will change by joining his small group or leaving small group all together? How will I ever make friends? I had been trying so hard for the past 8 weeks. Saying yes to things, signing up for classes, ways to volunteer, throwing myself into conversations, introducing myself to people, sticking it out even when I just want to go home and curl up in my loft bed.

It's something I've always tried to do: find people on the fringes and make friends with them because they're lonely, or they're lonely too and we can have each other. I can do that again here. I know how to do that, but the weight of even the thought feels so heavy when everything in my life is in transition and unstable. It's like I can't even get any help on the other end.

Four nights a week, I am busy with class or work. Giving another night to small group was significant cost, but I was willing to pay it. Now small group seems pointless.

I could see why people sometimes stop going to church after a big transition. It gets really hard. You either settle for something shallow or you trail blaze and create something new that had not existed before. Both wear you out and most people haven't been taught how to trail blaze let alone trail blaze in a ministry setting.

I eventually got home because the coffee shop was closing. I felt so tired, so alone after being alone with 25 other people today.

I'm an emotional wreck. Ministry has been disappointing. My housing situation is kinda shitty. I have no outlets here to recharge or to unplug. I'm afraid even my close friendships from my past have a limit, that I might wear them out with my sadness and discontentment. It's all so much. They say they will be there for you, but even with the best intentions they don't know what that even means or how to do that.

I can't connect with all my friends from home. Being at a completely new place, you're having the same conversation with 200+ people just in the first month. Constantly meeting new people is draining when you have no old people near you. I'd go nuts if I have to update each one of my friends on my life in CA individually, too.

I skyped with my friend for almost three hours tonight. Maybe for an hour we didn't even converse, but I felt so grateful for that presence. I could cry just thinking about it. My God, how did our parents do it? How did they move across the globe to a place where they didn't know anyone or any of the language or any of the culture? Technology was not even anything compared to what it is now. They're really strong and resilient.

My heart continues to break for immigrants. They give me hope. God does, too, haha.

#melodrama