A Rant: Because I can't promise you life

The thought replaying in my mind that from the very moment I was born, I was a failure in everyone's eyes. No, the moment the doctor said, "It's a girl." I was a failure. The moment my mother realized she was pregnant with me, I was her failure.

Almost every weekend that I was home so far, Kelly has been back and she took me away to places all the time and we barely spent much time at home. I felt guilty for abandoning my parents. Now that she left and I have a day and a half left, to just me and my parents.. there is just endless bickering from the moment I wake to the ever-so-real right now. Bickering. Bickering.

Thoughts.

I asked my mom if she was worried that I've never dated yet. She said yes of course, because every parent wants to see their children fulfill their ultimate mission, having children.

And thoughts.

My dad just asked me if I knew which major I was changing into yet. I said I was staying in social work. He asked what if I wanted to learn something else. I said then I'll learn it if I don't like social work.

Out of the group of us 1st generation kids who grew up together on the same block, my two cousins, my sister, and myself.. I went from being the one who showed questionable to extraordinary potential for success. I never planned past my high school achievements. If I did plan for college, I would have stuck with a sport. I would have taken AP Physics. I would have joined band. I would've taken that summer of math classes to match my peers in their advanced arithmetic. I would have joined theater. I would have applied myself more for AP Chem and I would have gotten a 5 instead of a 4 on the credits exam. I would have been more ambitious. That is all if I planned my idolatry a little bit farther.

Thoughts.

Of everyone in my graduating class in middle school, no one, not a single soul would have guessed that I would fail in life. Of everyone in my high school who knew me, none would've doubted my deserved-ness of being a student there, one of the top in the state and in the country.

My sister who will become a successful physical therapist. My future brother who will do great no matter where he goes as an urban planner. My one cousin who will become a great engineer for some big software company. My other cousin who doubted himself, but still was able to find the greater things in life. He has great potential as well and I know it because he is doing what he enjoys and he is faithful to it. But all those things, have they become their identity? at least in the eyes of the people around them?

And me? I assured my dad by saying, "Daddy, I'm a smart girl. I'm going to do great whatever I choose to learn, even if I learn poop" I said it in a confidence like I had a secret where I could turn poop to gold, but that was just a lie I said in attempt to give him ease.

Thoughts

My mom said she can't enjoy a meal if I'm not home. My mom said if neither my sister or I call her, she would go insane. My mom said she hates home when I'm not there. My mom said no one drinks her soup when I'm not home and life is just so bitter. My mom said she can't sleep well at night unless she knows Kelly and I are home with her.

But mama, what if I told you I can't stay?

Please don't live for me, because I can't promise you life.

The one who gives is also the one who takes away.

Please live for Jesus and forget me.

King Jesus, you are victorious!

Wasting Away

Yesterday while I was wasting my thoughts on Netflix, I looked through my clothes. Often when I look through my clothes, I notice that there are so many which I've only worn once or only in the fitting room before I bought them. I tried on some clothes that made me feel very feminine in a pastel and nonchalant-kind-of-way. I quickly changed out of it, deciding that I'll wear it to church the next day. This morning as I excitingly got ready for church, I changed into those clothes I picked out, and as I walked past myself in the mirror, I stopped. And, I felt so ugly and disgusted. I found myself repulsive to look at.

Words like, "What are you thinking? Do you think you look good or something? That doesn't suit you, it can't. Why don't you just wear jeans and a t-shirt? What will people think of you?" And just as I was tugging at the hem of my shirt, ready to lift it over, I looked at myself and thought, "How many times, have I thought these thoughts? How many times have I changed out of clothes because I didn't feel good enough? How many more days will my clothes sit untouched, wasting away in its neatly folded stack? my confidence, wasting away in a crumpled soul? my self-worth, wasting away because of my self-shaming?" And I let go of my shirt, grabbed my bag, and walked out.

still obessed

Today I got a 98% on my econ exam. I feel so embarrassed. I wanted 110%
Two days ago I got a 93% on my anthropology exam. I hated it. I wanted at least 95%
Over the summer when I realized my GPA was 3.7, I contemplated transferring universities so my Flight classes wouldn't transfer over and my GPA would be 4.0

it's not going to matter in heaven.

The idea in the minds of everyone against my choice in social work is that my skill sets are capable of "greater" callings. Most with genuine interest for my well-being warn me that I might starve or come to hate my life after 3-years of a soul-sucking human services career path. "Why are you doing social work? Are you bad at math and science?" my old supervisor said.

Also in my friendships with international students, I learned that for many school systems, students take a big exam and that score determines what major they can do. So if I score very high I can do physics or science, but if I score not so high, I might do arts or language, etc. wow..

Met a Boy Yet?

So I didn't know how awkward of a Facebook status this would've been, but I was home this weekend and near the very end my mom giggily asked me if I met a boy yet. I said no very normally, but I felt startled and perhaps a bit repulsed. I never in my life imagined that my mom would be expecting me to date a guy. Maybe she doesn't want me to end up like my gold-digger cousin or my other cousin who feared old age and spinsterhood and married the first guy that came along. Boys exist in my social sphere. If something was supposed to have happened.. it's he, who hasn't met me yet.

I am not your burden, and You are not mine

If I had a daughter, I would name her Cella [chel-uh] Jiang Paternal Name. I would say to Cella Jiang, "My beautiful daughter. You can be anything and I would always love you. You could be a janitor if you really want. As long as I can feel you are glorifying God with your life, I would support you with mine. I will mop the floors alongside you with my wrinkled hands. All because God is what matters most.

You can attend whichever school, work whatever job, earn how ever much money, because I am not your burden and you are not mine. You are my blessing, and my blessing is to show you how our Father has taught me love."

I just bawled my eyes out at our local grocery store.