Someone Greater

I remember when I was much younger, before I started going to church, or maybe around the time I started going, I told Kelly, "You know how some people feel like they are the main character, and they want to be the leader? I don't. I just have this feeling like there is supposed to be or going to be someone bigger than me, and I am supposed to help them." The words were surprising to myself, an ambitious, prideful, arrogant, capable, hard-working, feminist. For a long time, and even sometimes in the present times, I interpret that feeling as if I am supposed to be side-kick to someone, or secretary or assistant or something. But these past years, I discovered that person who is bigger than me, is actually Jesus. I am supposed to help him, stand by him, let the spotlight shine on him... through all my efforts, through all I can offer.

But Jesus is unlike any other leader. Being his follower means everyone plays a role, every serves a purpose. No one gets to sit out in the game and watch in passive participation. Sometimes the call looks different from our original interpretations, different from anything we've ever witnessed, so it's not always possible to predict what God's next thing is.

So here I am. I am deeply afraid, as I face my path. It is as if I am staring into the ocean. It's massiveness. It's power, stillness, and all-encompassing nature. It's character to pacify, to engulf, to consume, to destroy.

In less than four-weeks, I will be moving to southern California. In nine-weeks, I will start seminary for my Divinity program. My parents are still afraid for me. My dad thinks I am living out a youthful passion whose fire will be put out by the cold reality of our world in a matter of time.

I deeply long for the approval of my friends, family, and frankly, even strangers. But, I can't live for them. I can't live my life for them, to please every opinion. What are my principles? What are my non-negotiable values that make me, me? Sorry, ma. Sorry, daede. I will still love you and honor you and try my best to take care of you, but I can't live out this dream you have for me right now.

People can give me thousands of different paths to go down, but at the end the invitation I receive from God is: Tori, you can choose where we go next.

There are obstacles in our way, but Abba you split the sea so I can walk right through it. My fears are drowned by perfect love. You rescued me, and I will stand and sing, "I am a child of God."

Let's go, Abba. Let's go to California.

Left in Draft: Wedding Bliss

Some of my closest friends in college are getting married. I never quite wrestled with this type of loneliness and feeling left behind. It is completely appropriate love, but for the first time I didn't know what to do with myself. The scene is one I've often experienced. Third-wheeling, fifth-wheeling, sometimes even seventh-wheeling. But for the first time recently, it felt different. It feels like my friends moved on and didn't seem to notice that our friendship is gone.

We were walking through town on a hot day. The couples were in marriage bliss, pecking, hand-holding, whispering into each other's ear, and eskimo-kissing. I walked alone, very aware that everyone else is infatuated with his or her respective bae. My friends were so satisfied with each other's company, that my presence there, frankly, did not matter. And honestly, I wished I was not there. I had not felt so out of place in a long time. But I love my friends and their companions. I am deeply happy for my friends in commitments and relationships. I don't want them to pity me or walk on eggshells around me. I don't think they have to either.

I saw one of my best friends getting married. It was the most thoughtful wedding I have ever seen. These past years, I've felt a mixture of happiness, anger, and sadness about these friendships. I saw him meet and fall for his bride. I saw him move away from our college town and start afresh. I saw him say his vows to her, promising to love her and push her to her best potential. I love my friend and his bride. I also feel this relationship changing. As much as we deny it, as much as we say otherwise, I'm afraid that despite what I want or what my friends want, our paths don't overlap like they used to. Where we were once best friends, brother and sister, I'm afraid I'm just going to be a friend, a memory from college, a photo in a wedding album they'll flip through years from now. I'm afraid that as my friends pair off and no longer need me and no longer notice I am out of their lives, I will have no one. I am afraid that despite my best efforts to be loveable, everyone will leave once they've found someone better. This does not urge me to date or pair off myself. I just feel sad. I have to remind myself that I am worthy of love and friendship. There is very little that I do or say that causes people to love me. They love me simply because I am me, all the flaws and strengths. I have to remind myself to be grateful for the seasons we have with people. I have to remind myself to let love come and to let love go. I have to remind myself to trust God who is the most brilliant writer I know to write my story whatever it may look like. I cannot take the pen from Him, lol.

Wedding season has caused me to contemplate the thought of dating, too. How fun! How great it could be to have some love that is tangible and right there. As much as I love 'love,' as much as I would love the idea of being a wife, a mother, or even a bad-ass grandma, I don't want to convince myself that satisfaction, joy, and life comes from another person. I'm sure some of those things would come from people, but sometimes we use relationships as illusions of satisfaction. In the end, we come to face the inescapable reality that satisfaction comes from Jesus alone. Maybe one day this could be in God's plans for me, but I'm happy where God has me today.

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In the past year, I have left most of my thoughts in unpublished drafts. I'm starting to muster the courage to share them again.. raw, emotional, fluid, me.

I miss writing. I miss hearing my thoughts, as untrained or ineloquent they may be. I like my voice.

I look like Grandma

Sometimes I see photos of myself and I remember people in China telling me I looked just like my grandma. I love the thought that her image lives in me, not just her physical appearance, but the way she modeled patience, love, care-- she is one remarkable and resilient lady. The influence she's had on my life is limited by our intermittent and mostly long distance relationship, but she sure did leave a mark. Grandma was too good for me, too good for all of us. She was an amazing grandma.

Thinking Out Loud: Day Dream

Sometimes you let your mind day dream.

Financial stresses come and I entertain thoughts I'd never really do.. like..

maybe I should marry rich. Maybe I should meet that accountant my aunt has been bugging me about.

maybe I should leave ministry, go back to graduate school for a degree that earns much more. Like nursing or radiology or almost anything else

maybe time will stop. it will slow down. it will wait for me to catch up. it will let me take a time out, to pick up my pieces, to wipe off the dirt, to look at a motivational cat poster.

But none of those things is what is supposed to happen for me. I know that. I'm sure that accountant is a nice guy. I am sure nursing is a very fulfilling career. I am sure time is not biased towards anyone in particular. But sometimes you just let your mind day dream.

That's the false beauty of day dreams. They are only worthwhile for the moment you have them. Any longer and the truth is that the day dream takes place under fixed conditions that belongs to a false reality. Yes, there are financial stresses, but to assume any of the scenarios will make me happier is untrue. Sometimes mo' money mo' problems.

When I'm tired, I have almost no filter. Or it's like my brain works so much slower, my realization that my thought s  inappropriate comes a few seconds later.

Campus ministry.. my own insecurities come to the surface. Rejection from family, from my peers, even from the students I'm whole heartedly serving. So I must fix my gaze once again on God. He is the one I serve, not my students. He is the one who accepts me, who desires my whole being.

Lord, what is this crown you've placed over my head. It is a crown of shame, of failure, of loss, yet to you, you made it a crown of honor, of glory, of victory.

Each day I feel like I die more and more. As I die, may God manifest in those dead places in me, bringing forth life. I accept this crown, and I am dying. My self is dying.

Love, thank you for stopping by. As you leave, would you please leave the door open?

 I've had the pleasure of experiencing incredible loyalty, self-sacrifice, and love from people I called my friends. They've come and they've gone. None, do I dare call mine. None, do I dare ask to stay, because I know they were never mine to begin with. Some married, some moved, some lost touch.. I let go of my possessiveness and longing in exchange for gratitude and acceptance. I am who I realize myself to be because of them.

Love, thank you for stopping by. As you leave, would you please leave the door open?

Influence Me/ Rant

Today has been a very long day. I think for a large part of it, I feel like my brain is clenched. Yes, my actual soft, slimey, flesh brain.

If we don't process, the activities of our lives just slip by. We'd remember so much less. We'd commit a disservice to ourselves by not reflecting. The purpose gets lost. I come back so many nights exhausted physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. I have little strength to journal or to pray. But if I don't, I rob myself of realizing the moments where God was very present in my day.

I am learning so much about myself and so much about God. I'm frustrated because there is so much that I want to do, but I know I can't do them all. So I need to intentionally invest in a few areas, a few people, a few projects, so that the product would lead to more sustaining work. So I wouldn't be needed. So that the work does not  cease without me. So that the value and purpose of my work is carried and continued onward. So that's the vision of leadership. That's the vision of being an influencer.


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Reflecting on a lot of things. Unfulfillment, loneliness, waiting. Realizing if I had what I orginally wanted, I would have forgotten God. I was so foolishly happy. I was foolishly happy.

What am I doing with my life? When I look back years from now, even months from now.. I cannot count my students or their souls, their gratefulness, or their change. That reward will not be able to satisfy me. It will never be worth the best years of my life. My prize can only be God. Day by day, the Lord is my prize. Growing in intimacy with him, and becoming more and more like him. Not in the power-hungry way, but as the child bears the image of his father. May I resemble my Father. May this life I live be a pleasing offering. I've committed. I'm all in. Jesus, it's you, and it's all or nothing. There isn't really even the nothing option. It's simply all you.

As I stumble around to learn this abstract idea of being more like the Father, I struggle. Day by day, I see my will, my plans, my hopes, and my desires. Night by night, I surrender them. Again and again. As years past, as wrinkles and baggier eyes appear, it certainly becomes harder and harder to say yes. Saying yes involves tears, anger, and heart break. Saying yes demands surrender and vulnerability. Saying yes costs your life, and it's a lifetime of learning what that life is worth, what that life is capable of, what suffering it can endure.

I've tasted and seen, but I've only tasted and seen so much. There's still so much ahead. I have no idea what lies ahead.