I need God more than I need air. I need God. I need Him. I need my heavenly Father.

Last two weeks I spent maybe 3 nights at home. Everywhere else that wasn't home made me feel guilty because I left my family waiting for me. I felt like a terrible daughter for not spending the summer home with my parents who miss me to death. Now I'm home, and I don't want to be. Parts of it are so beautiful and sad, parts of it are so ugly and evil. I know Chicago isn't my home anymore. I'm pretty certain God doesn't want me to stay here.

I don't want to be home to see the ugliness. I don't want to be away form home and feel guilty. I don't know where my future leads. I don't know if aviation is where God's called me to be. I don't know if I like flying anymore. I don't know if I could do it anymore. I don't know if there is any passion for it left. I feel like a liar, like I lied to everyone when I told them I loved aviation, I wanted to be a pilot. I have no idea! But if this is God's way of telling me I'm in the wrong field, then by God's great name, I'm leaving it. I seriously have no idea. Prayer for peace, for faith.

Matthew 18:21-35

Struggling with financial stuff, and I just had an amazing week with God in the upper peninsula of Michigan. Lots of brokenness got brought out of me that I didn't even realize was still there and still so strong.

Give with love and intentions. I could be selfish and unreasonable and bitter and say some bad stuff. Blame failing my oral exam because I took it when I knew I wasn't ready, I took it so I could be done and so I could go to MI. But it was entirely my fault. I should have managed my time better. I should have went at my own pace even if that is slower. God's been so good and so faithful.

We drove my car from Carbondale to Chicago and then to MI. Chicago to MI was about 10-11 hour drive because of picking people up and stopping because my car was so old. Right now, I think my car is broken. The pedals were really worn out when we got back and I felt something scraping a hard surface every time I touched the pedals. Creepy stuff. And everyone underpaid with gas. I was bitter about it. If I didn't go, everyone in my car probably couldn't have made it. Yet they didn't pay me enough. My car is in such a bad condition right now, yet they didn't even pay me enough for gas. but God, I am even more angry at my bitterness. I could have been stern about it and said, hey you're all paying wayy less than you're supposed. I could call each of them right now to pay me extra, but that feels so wrong and ridiculous.

I should be way less bitter. I'll assume they had better judgement to know what they gave wasn't enough. I'll assume that they need the money more than I do, even though it doesn't seem like that right now. In the end, my life is still good.

I'm not sure if I'll pass my exam when I get back to Carbondale, I just lost a lot of confidence in that and I haven't gotten to study a lot last week. I'm not sure if I'll have to take that class over. I'm not sure at all if my parents can afford the extra hours I've taken for flight because of my inadequacy and mess-up's. I'm not sure if I can even last after sophomore year because I'd have used up my academic scholarship.. not so smart. Ah.. but even if I fail this class and take it again, even if I have to stop school after next year, God is still here. That doesn't mean I won't try my best, but God's sovereignty will always rule my life no matter what my mess-up's, failures, choices, etc. So glad my God is stronger than all my faults and failures. So glad.

nube

Today, like a lot of my other mornings, there was a stabbing pain in my gut that extended to my heart, worrying about flight. Even this morning when I knew I needed to fly today, I secretly prayed for cloudy skies so I didn't have to fly. Overwhelmed with gloom, this reoccurring thought haunted me, "Is this going to be the rest of my life?" That gloom lasted no more than 30 seconds. Sometimes it was for hours, or the whole morning.

God, what's wrong with me?

Lord, I pray for clear skies, calm winds on Friday.

Remember Isaiah 43

I shall not fear, for the Lord, our God, is with me.
To worry, to fret, to fear-- is to sin, is to doubt the authority, the amazing grace, the unfailing love of our Father, our Lord.

When I think about this research paper about faith, I just want to cry and run into my God's arms. Am I lazy, Lord? I truly truly don't want to do this.

International Bible Study

"Would either of you like to pray with me?"
...
"Well prayer is just us talking to God. God is here with us right now, and we're just talking to him."
..."so if I asked God who created him, he would tell me?"
"Yes, yes he could."

This is the first year of the international ministry with InterVarsity, it just sort of happened out of no where and it grew so huge that the apartment we've always met at no longer fits us all comfortably. That's amazing. Tonight as we sat together in discussion of a passage in Mark, international students asked questions. And I just thought about how much more demanding this new ministry will become of all the leaders', including my own, energy and concentration. We'll really really need God.

This student, she asks a lot of questions. Generally, they're very insightful questions, but last night I felt like she  wanted to prove Christianity was flawed. I prayed in my head, while she asked questions, for God to soften her heart to understand and for me to have the authority to speak to her about the questions. Led far astray from the bible passage, she said she believes in the science truth of how humans formed, she said other religions accept the possibility of sharing the same God except Christianity, our God isn't fair because he should judge by how much good works people do not just by believing, not everyone is sinful but God makes everyone go through the same punishment, if God created all things, who created God. My goodness, she has such a brilliant brain. I was so thankful that she felt comfortable enough to ask all those questions. I really tried answering to the best of my abilities and knowledge and experience.

She laughed at some of my answers. She laughed when I said she could pray and ask God who created Him. But in our prayer, I prayed for softened hearts. God continue to give this ministry's leaders boldness in knowing that this is in your will. The Holy Spirit is definitely with us. Thinking back about some of the things I spoke in reply...they were quite decent.

A Revealing Day

Today I guess was supposed to be a terrible day. If I didn't have God and if I didn't know Jesus, I might have said today was the worst day of my life and I might have never ever stopped crying and I might have just died from hating myself.

But through all the unfortunate things that happened today, I still felt God's grace. As long as I take a step back, and as long as that step is far back enough, I can see God's incredible mercy.

I woke up at 4:46am today. That is special, because in my rush yesterday night for today's flight I had forgotten to set my alarm clock for 5am. If I hadn't suddenly burst out of bed at 4:46am, my alarm wouldn't have rang until 8:10am. By 8:10, I would have been late for my first class and I would have been 10% complete in my flight planning for my 10am flight.

After my 8am class, I rushed back and packed everything to go to my car to get to the airport as soon as possible... That is until I discovered a flat tire! It was super flat.

I had to wait for the bus. But I got to do my devotionals and really trust that God is with me. No matter what happens, God is with me and I should be comforted by that. Even if I were late, if I missed the whole thing if I woke up at 9:30am for goodness sakes, God is still with me and He still loves me and I should be comforted by that because none of those things really mattered as much as I made them up to be.

I'll skip a whole bunch of what happened next, but just believe me that it was embarrassing and it was so stupid of me. So incredibly stupid, and I risked the lives of other students and possibly my instructor's job in today's flight. I was a danger in the air. I started to fret in the plane, and things just went downhill. If I had calmed down and if I had just relied on what I was trained to do, everything would have went exceptionally well.

But the best part of tonight, maybe was talking to my dad on the phone. Talking to him and crying and him saying it's ok.. you're still learning. And I saw my roommate. I thought, 'she must have loved her dad this much.' How incredibly hard it must be for her. I can't even imagine that the summer after my freshman year, I would lose my dad. She is so strong. I think I would cry myself to sleep every other night.  I know she misses him, I know she loves him. I know he loves her.