A lot of times, I really wish my parents knew Jesus. "I don't want it to be Tori's thing," I told the guy who interviewed me for Beechpoint, the camp I'll be working at this summer. I had a conversation with my dad about Jesus. God, I am so amazed at how we even managed to get there with what little Chinese I now know. I just wish it could always go further and further. And I wish I could have more and more stuff to say and that he'd be interested in hearing what I have to say.
Recently I've been going through those conviction feelings or just really strong reminders about evangelizing to my parents. I want to see them in heaven, I want them to know how much God loves them. The only thing I fear about death is missing all the people who don't know Jesus Christ. Well I'll probably flinch if you point a gun to my head, and I'm most likely going to be afraid if you poked a knife into me. They're just natural instincts, to want to stay alive in an earthly context.
I always joke about having a tumor from the accumulated stress I've had because of school work and the people in my life, but on occasional headaches I wonder if there could be that possibility.. haha. And so I have these thoughts.. what will it take for my parents to know Jesus? And I imagine stuff. If I get cancer, and my dying wish was that my mom would go to church with me.. then she'd probably come. And during all that time I can explain how much God loves me through my suffering. And she'll be receiving the Word at church with me, and possibly after I die, she'll keep going to church. But then I'd hope I get as long as possible to have cancer before I die so I can keep going to church with my mom. If it takes cancer, if it takes my death.. then by God's great name, I'd love to die so my parents can accept Jesus.
But if cancer isn't the answer, then maybe I should just keep asking my mom to go to church with me. That's hard.
So much on my mind
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