"Would either of you like to pray with me?"
...
"Well prayer is just us talking to God. God is here with us right now, and we're just talking to him."
..."so if I asked God who created him, he would tell me?"
"Yes, yes he could."
This is the first year of the international ministry with InterVarsity, it just sort of happened out of no where and it grew so huge that the apartment we've always met at no longer fits us all comfortably. That's amazing. Tonight as we sat together in discussion of a passage in Mark, international students asked questions. And I just thought about how much more demanding this new ministry will become of all the leaders', including my own, energy and concentration. We'll really really need God.
This student, she asks a lot of questions. Generally, they're very insightful questions, but last night I felt like she wanted to prove Christianity was flawed. I prayed in my head, while she asked questions, for God to soften her heart to understand and for me to have the authority to speak to her about the questions. Led far astray from the bible passage, she said she believes in the science truth of how humans formed, she said other religions accept the possibility of sharing the same God except Christianity, our God isn't fair because he should judge by how much good works people do not just by believing, not everyone is sinful but God makes everyone go through the same punishment, if God created all things, who created God. My goodness, she has such a brilliant brain. I was so thankful that she felt comfortable enough to ask all those questions. I really tried answering to the best of my abilities and knowledge and experience.
She laughed at some of my answers. She laughed when I said she could pray and ask God who created Him. But in our prayer, I prayed for softened hearts. God continue to give this ministry's leaders boldness in knowing that this is in your will. The Holy Spirit is definitely with us. Thinking back about some of the things I spoke in reply...they were quite decent.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
A Revealing Day
Today I guess was supposed to be a terrible day. If I didn't have God and if I didn't know Jesus, I might have said today was the worst day of my life and I might have never ever stopped crying and I might have just died from hating myself.
But through all the unfortunate things that happened today, I still felt God's grace. As long as I take a step back, and as long as that step is far back enough, I can see God's incredible mercy.
I woke up at 4:46am today. That is special, because in my rush yesterday night for today's flight I had forgotten to set my alarm clock for 5am. If I hadn't suddenly burst out of bed at 4:46am, my alarm wouldn't have rang until 8:10am. By 8:10, I would have been late for my first class and I would have been 10% complete in my flight planning for my 10am flight.
After my 8am class, I rushed back and packed everything to go to my car to get to the airport as soon as possible... That is until I discovered a flat tire! It was super flat.
I had to wait for the bus. But I got to do my devotionals and really trust that God is with me. No matter what happens, God is with me and I should be comforted by that. Even if I were late, if I missed the whole thing if I woke up at 9:30am for goodness sakes, God is still with me and He still loves me and I should be comforted by that because none of those things really mattered as much as I made them up to be.
I'll skip a whole bunch of what happened next, but just believe me that it was embarrassing and it was so stupid of me. So incredibly stupid, and I risked the lives of other students and possibly my instructor's job in today's flight. I was a danger in the air. I started to fret in the plane, and things just went downhill. If I had calmed down and if I had just relied on what I was trained to do, everything would have went exceptionally well.
But the best part of tonight, maybe was talking to my dad on the phone. Talking to him and crying and him saying it's ok.. you're still learning. And I saw my roommate. I thought, 'she must have loved her dad this much.' How incredibly hard it must be for her. I can't even imagine that the summer after my freshman year, I would lose my dad. She is so strong. I think I would cry myself to sleep every other night. I know she misses him, I know she loves him. I know he loves her.
But through all the unfortunate things that happened today, I still felt God's grace. As long as I take a step back, and as long as that step is far back enough, I can see God's incredible mercy.
I woke up at 4:46am today. That is special, because in my rush yesterday night for today's flight I had forgotten to set my alarm clock for 5am. If I hadn't suddenly burst out of bed at 4:46am, my alarm wouldn't have rang until 8:10am. By 8:10, I would have been late for my first class and I would have been 10% complete in my flight planning for my 10am flight.
After my 8am class, I rushed back and packed everything to go to my car to get to the airport as soon as possible... That is until I discovered a flat tire! It was super flat.
I had to wait for the bus. But I got to do my devotionals and really trust that God is with me. No matter what happens, God is with me and I should be comforted by that. Even if I were late, if I missed the whole thing if I woke up at 9:30am for goodness sakes, God is still with me and He still loves me and I should be comforted by that because none of those things really mattered as much as I made them up to be.
I'll skip a whole bunch of what happened next, but just believe me that it was embarrassing and it was so stupid of me. So incredibly stupid, and I risked the lives of other students and possibly my instructor's job in today's flight. I was a danger in the air. I started to fret in the plane, and things just went downhill. If I had calmed down and if I had just relied on what I was trained to do, everything would have went exceptionally well.
But the best part of tonight, maybe was talking to my dad on the phone. Talking to him and crying and him saying it's ok.. you're still learning. And I saw my roommate. I thought, 'she must have loved her dad this much.' How incredibly hard it must be for her. I can't even imagine that the summer after my freshman year, I would lose my dad. She is so strong. I think I would cry myself to sleep every other night. I know she misses him, I know she loves him. I know he loves her.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
God, please say Yep
I'm so glad God softened my heart to hear to much more and know so much more. I feel like I'm similar to the Samaritan women at the well, who was really dense. Jesus really wanted to save her; she was lost. He spent so much time telling her about the living water, she takes it literally and misses the whole meaning. Then Jesus continues throwing at her "living water, eternal spring, worship in spirit and truth." And SHE STILL DOES NOT GET IT. Then Jesus just says "I who speak to you am he" Jesus says, I am the messiah!
A lot of times, I feel like I am that woman. And so many more times, I am so thankful God has been so patient with my stubborn mind and just my denseness. It took so long for words' meanings to really sink into my heart. God, so many instances, has just swooped down and saved me from my problems. And so many times, God has been so gracious that He closed the doors that would have led me away from Him. He has been protecting me, and letting me grow. It took me five or six years, but roots are finally growing in. There are roots! Hallelujah!
As I laid in my bed pondering about God's will, I asked a question I always ask, "God, where do You want to use me? Where do You want me, Lord?" 'If it isn't aviation, I would quit immediately!', I thought. But then I thought about all the shame I'd feel, going back to my family and friends and telling them I quit, I gave up. And then having to take extra courses to make up for them. And because God has so obviously shown me that the Holy Spirit is with me, I wonder where God wants me. I was His messenger.
Before, I would cry about it because I didn't want to leave aviation and it made me worried to not know where God wants me. Now, I am still a little worried. But the idea has latched onto me, I think. The possibility of working in ministry. Then I should major in something else, because if I don't plan on becoming a pilot, aviation will just suck all the money out of me. God, I am as dense as the women on the well. Please make it so obvious to me where You want me. To be honest, my heart is facing that ministry option. All I need is God to say "Yep." Please, God, say "Yep."
A lot of times, I feel like I am that woman. And so many more times, I am so thankful God has been so patient with my stubborn mind and just my denseness. It took so long for words' meanings to really sink into my heart. God, so many instances, has just swooped down and saved me from my problems. And so many times, God has been so gracious that He closed the doors that would have led me away from Him. He has been protecting me, and letting me grow. It took me five or six years, but roots are finally growing in. There are roots! Hallelujah!
As I laid in my bed pondering about God's will, I asked a question I always ask, "God, where do You want to use me? Where do You want me, Lord?" 'If it isn't aviation, I would quit immediately!', I thought. But then I thought about all the shame I'd feel, going back to my family and friends and telling them I quit, I gave up. And then having to take extra courses to make up for them. And because God has so obviously shown me that the Holy Spirit is with me, I wonder where God wants me. I was His messenger.
Before, I would cry about it because I didn't want to leave aviation and it made me worried to not know where God wants me. Now, I am still a little worried. But the idea has latched onto me, I think. The possibility of working in ministry. Then I should major in something else, because if I don't plan on becoming a pilot, aviation will just suck all the money out of me. God, I am as dense as the women on the well. Please make it so obvious to me where You want me. To be honest, my heart is facing that ministry option. All I need is God to say "Yep." Please, God, say "Yep."
If God doesn't say Yep, and I don't have His blessings, if that isn't in His will, then it could go very wrong. I need to entirely rely on the Holy Spirit if I were to evangelize or give sermons or teach workshops or whatever else. God, please show mercy on me again, as You already have time after time. Say "Yep or No"
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Passion of the Christ
Yesterday was the first time I watched the entire movie from beginning to end. The whole movie, I kept a thought to observe, 'Who is Jesus?'
Something else I've been constantly asking prayer for, is my desire to be deeply in love with Jesus. A sister told me to continue my devotions, reading the bible to learn Jesus' character.
The whole movie, I kept thinking 'Who is this man, and why does he love me so much?'
After the movie we (international bible study) had discussion time. I'm not sure if it was because I was cold, but I couldn't stop shaking. It wasn't convulsive shaking, it was like very unsteady constant shivering of my entire body. Just who is this man who loves me so much?
One truth I love to tell others and to say aloud so I can hear for myself,
"Jesus is the greatest evidence of God's love. If you don't know Jesus, you have no idea how much God loves you." Truly, truly.
Who is Jesus, that he would carry the cross for me? Who is Jesus, that he would hang on the cross for me? Who is Jesus, that he would endure death for me?
But that greatest question to ask among these: Who am I?
Who am I that Jesus should do anything for me? Who am I that God should show so much mercy and grace? Who am I to receive that mercy and grace for how undeserving I truly am? Who am I that God would pardon me and send Jesus, His son, His incarnate to save me, to conquer death. To endure the punishment for OUR SINS.
I am sin, I am the dog that hungers for crumbs, I am that sheep that betrayed its shepherd.
God loves us so much.
Something else I've been constantly asking prayer for, is my desire to be deeply in love with Jesus. A sister told me to continue my devotions, reading the bible to learn Jesus' character.
The whole movie, I kept thinking 'Who is this man, and why does he love me so much?'
After the movie we (international bible study) had discussion time. I'm not sure if it was because I was cold, but I couldn't stop shaking. It wasn't convulsive shaking, it was like very unsteady constant shivering of my entire body. Just who is this man who loves me so much?
One truth I love to tell others and to say aloud so I can hear for myself,
"Jesus is the greatest evidence of God's love. If you don't know Jesus, you have no idea how much God loves you." Truly, truly.
Who is Jesus, that he would carry the cross for me? Who is Jesus, that he would hang on the cross for me? Who is Jesus, that he would endure death for me?
But that greatest question to ask among these: Who am I?
Who am I that Jesus should do anything for me? Who am I that God should show so much mercy and grace? Who am I to receive that mercy and grace for how undeserving I truly am? Who am I that God would pardon me and send Jesus, His son, His incarnate to save me, to conquer death. To endure the punishment for OUR SINS.
I am sin, I am the dog that hungers for crumbs, I am that sheep that betrayed its shepherd.
God loves us so much.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Whatever it takes
A lot of times, I really wish my parents knew Jesus. "I don't want it to be Tori's thing," I told the guy who interviewed me for Beechpoint, the camp I'll be working at this summer. I had a conversation with my dad about Jesus. God, I am so amazed at how we even managed to get there with what little Chinese I now know. I just wish it could always go further and further. And I wish I could have more and more stuff to say and that he'd be interested in hearing what I have to say.
Recently I've been going through those conviction feelings or just really strong reminders about evangelizing to my parents. I want to see them in heaven, I want them to know how much God loves them. The only thing I fear about death is missing all the people who don't know Jesus Christ. Well I'll probably flinch if you point a gun to my head, and I'm most likely going to be afraid if you poked a knife into me. They're just natural instincts, to want to stay alive in an earthly context.
I always joke about having a tumor from the accumulated stress I've had because of school work and the people in my life, but on occasional headaches I wonder if there could be that possibility.. haha. And so I have these thoughts.. what will it take for my parents to know Jesus? And I imagine stuff. If I get cancer, and my dying wish was that my mom would go to church with me.. then she'd probably come. And during all that time I can explain how much God loves me through my suffering. And she'll be receiving the Word at church with me, and possibly after I die, she'll keep going to church. But then I'd hope I get as long as possible to have cancer before I die so I can keep going to church with my mom. If it takes cancer, if it takes my death.. then by God's great name, I'd love to die so my parents can accept Jesus.
But if cancer isn't the answer, then maybe I should just keep asking my mom to go to church with me. That's hard.
So much on my mind
Recently I've been going through those conviction feelings or just really strong reminders about evangelizing to my parents. I want to see them in heaven, I want them to know how much God loves them. The only thing I fear about death is missing all the people who don't know Jesus Christ. Well I'll probably flinch if you point a gun to my head, and I'm most likely going to be afraid if you poked a knife into me. They're just natural instincts, to want to stay alive in an earthly context.
I always joke about having a tumor from the accumulated stress I've had because of school work and the people in my life, but on occasional headaches I wonder if there could be that possibility.. haha. And so I have these thoughts.. what will it take for my parents to know Jesus? And I imagine stuff. If I get cancer, and my dying wish was that my mom would go to church with me.. then she'd probably come. And during all that time I can explain how much God loves me through my suffering. And she'll be receiving the Word at church with me, and possibly after I die, she'll keep going to church. But then I'd hope I get as long as possible to have cancer before I die so I can keep going to church with my mom. If it takes cancer, if it takes my death.. then by God's great name, I'd love to die so my parents can accept Jesus.
But if cancer isn't the answer, then maybe I should just keep asking my mom to go to church with me. That's hard.
So much on my mind
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Jesus is Real
I'm on a new journey. I can't say how devoted I will be or how long I could possibly last or if the results will even mean anything.. but today I made a proposal in my ENG120H class while we were discussing possible paper topics for this research paper assignment.
I told the class I was going to write about how Jesus really did exist, putting aside his claims and claims of his miracles being true. I told them I was going to write about Jesus actually once existing, once walking on this earth, once breathing this air that is so available to us.
I'm super nervous. I don't even want to analyze the stares I got, even from my professor. Do they think that I am crazy? I just felt so much conviction to write about that topic, that I wouldn't want to write or research about anything else. And I am truly curious about this topic. Maybe I should have been more humble in proclaiming my topic to the class, but I was just so excited. God, please help me. I'm not even sure if I'll stick to this topic because of how difficult it will be. But God, please help me. Please show me you want me to write this paper about You.
I told the class I was going to write about how Jesus really did exist, putting aside his claims and claims of his miracles being true. I told them I was going to write about Jesus actually once existing, once walking on this earth, once breathing this air that is so available to us.
I'm super nervous. I don't even want to analyze the stares I got, even from my professor. Do they think that I am crazy? I just felt so much conviction to write about that topic, that I wouldn't want to write or research about anything else. And I am truly curious about this topic. Maybe I should have been more humble in proclaiming my topic to the class, but I was just so excited. God, please help me. I'm not even sure if I'll stick to this topic because of how difficult it will be. But God, please help me. Please show me you want me to write this paper about You.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Holy Spirit
Shared another testimony last night. The Holy Spirit was definitely there with me.
The is the third time I strongly felt the Holy Spirit. But this time I actually recognize that it is the H.S. It keeps me up like a child. My heart is pumped and excited. The H.S. gives me amazing fluency in my expressions and words.
Last night, I was a messenger. The words were like magic. I can't stop remembering, but I don't want to stop remembering either. I'm hearing them over and over again in my mind. Like confirmation, people came up to tell me they were touched, that they felt my vulnerability, that my words really sunk in deep. I am so glad God was able to use me. Of course God is able to do anything, but I mean that I am so glad that I am useful to the One who doesn't need me.
The is the third time I strongly felt the Holy Spirit. But this time I actually recognize that it is the H.S. It keeps me up like a child. My heart is pumped and excited. The H.S. gives me amazing fluency in my expressions and words.
Last night, I was a messenger. The words were like magic. I can't stop remembering, but I don't want to stop remembering either. I'm hearing them over and over again in my mind. Like confirmation, people came up to tell me they were touched, that they felt my vulnerability, that my words really sunk in deep. I am so glad God was able to use me. Of course God is able to do anything, but I mean that I am so glad that I am useful to the One who doesn't need me.
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